I'm ready to die anytime, and I just can't wait.

Loving me is fickle.

And again, I have just fallen in love. Not with the person yet, but with his words, the attention he gives me, and the idea of being in love with him. Quick like lightning, and short as a breath, I got hooked on him. The same old me, lame and fickle, easily fooled by love's sweet trickery.

A Polar Kill

Take me to the moon and back,
if you would.
Keep my fingers crossed for you,
love me good.

The more and more you give,
light of hope dissipates.
When you've found a reason to live,
you learn how heartache tastes.

Polar magnet pulls me,
opposing forces hinder.
Attraction kills the bee:
a tragic love affair.

Rising Sun

The rising sun is such an art,

hovering above fading silhouettes of concrete,

magnificent golden rays lighting the grey sky.

I, alone, watch behind dewy glass windowpanes,

reminiscing times of days gone by.

like when I thought I've found my own shining sun,

or when I thought I've finally settled

on what I dreamed to be the future.

I was wrong, painfully mistaken to have thought so.

The sun whispers to me in silent grace,

across my solitary room, I peer,

seeing the sun rise and set and rise again.

My life as it is: a see-saw in the playground of God.

07March2016

Codependent

1
Put milk in my coffee,

Not the usual I want;

Stir it until creamy,

I like it lukewarm.

2

Open the curtains to see,

Tiny homes and skyscrapers;

Point to me what you see,

Cast shadows or towers?

3
Lie with me on the bed,

Soft cushions that drown;

Lay your head on my chest,

I barely breathe a sound.

4

Paint the gray walls white,

Until it's bright as moon;
Dim the lamps at night,

And we dance to your tune.

To the man who would want to date me

Before you show interest in me,

   know that I am a wreck.

I’ve been damaged quite a deal that I do not know how

   to look and feel brand new again.

You would have to deal with a lot of wounds and scars

   that will take forever to mend.

Know that I’ve been abused,

   trauma has cut deep and bruised my soul.

I am no more a princess, a lady or anything exquisite.

I am now just a jaded, rusty, old and used tool.

If you ever think of holding these hands,

   they will be too rough, dry and cold;

   they have touched too many barren soil.

If you ever think of listening to me sing,

   you would hear a hoarse voice tired of life.

If you ever think of gazing into these eyes,

   you would only see through a hollow and lifeless pair,

   broken windows to a haunted mind.

If you ever think of kissing these lips,

   you would rather stop and see if they’re real;

   if they’re still red as roses, soft as silk, and warm as daylight.

For these have tasted how bitter the poison of love is.

And would you even dare embrace this frail body?

But, if you ever are too willful to know

   the depths of despair I have been into,

   the history of when I was still a child,

   the thoughts of a woman who has lost too many battles,

   please remember, that I never wished  to be this way.

I have fought too hard,

   and may not survive any longer.

I have weakened in both my mind and soul.

I might have loved greatly before,

   but love has abandoned me, and there isn’t anymore.

Tell me if you wish,

   though I will only be scared to listen.

I am hurting far too much to start again.

I know all too well the price to pay

   for an ounce of love and acceptance.

It is expensive, and ridiculously so.

That even my whole has been paid to the piper.

If you were to date me,

   what will I get?

If you were to love me,

   up to what degree or depth?

Will you endure?

Will you accept these flaws and faults?

Join my suffering or lift me up.

For a long time, I have lost my shine.

And if luck would allow that I would love you back,
Don’t make me regret giving myself another chance.

Have to take another step. Just one little step.

Reposted from 22 August 2012

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin. - Mother Teresa

First day on the floor.. Taking calls on my own, no one to assist me but myself.. TRUST, FAITH, CONFIDENCE--the same things I have been leaning on for life's sake. :)

I know God is good, and God is with me.
Throughout all the pain and sadness, the rejection and disappointment, I stand by my own feet, knees shaking, hands open towards the heaven, heads high, I AM BLESSED..!!!

I Dance Alone in Empty Halls

I dance with the shadow of a ghost.

A music so familiar plays in my ears,

without the piano, the violin nor the chime,

but clear as a voice whispering close by.

My mind has gone off to a distant forgotten cage of solitude.

Naked and cold, on warm nights of summer,

I sway side to side.

Drunken hours of lost passion, nostalgic caresses from somewhere in time,

the past haunts even in my deepest slumber.

Tears have frozen inside my ducts, unable to fall.

I dance and dance.

Footsteps echo in the empty hall,

along with aggrieved souls that has seen

years of pain and love departing.

On my knees I drop,

the tremors in my hands I couldn’t stop.

Still I ask, ‘”What have I done?”

Nobody told me they’ve left and ran.

I opened my eyes one day,

only to find the room has decayed.

A crab in a small crevice,

afraid and lost, finding sanity,

or perhaps not, just a pun entirely.

But I could feel the ache of longing,

crippling, but I still dream:

May the shadows show me the light,

an escape into a real world tonight.

I dance alone in empty halls,

Naught but the walls were my only companion.

To Conform or Not To Conform

December 27, 2013

On another thought, as a woman, I've never dreamed for a prince to bring me to his castle and give me all the luxuries in life, although it would've been a great fantasy in a general POV. I am better than that because I dreamed for a great man to stand in front of you, and behind his success was me.

Man will not make me. I will make the man. Then, in turn, we will make us. (Defying the conventional thought of pretty girls vying to be ahead of everybody through luring the rich men on earth)

I used to believe I was a virtuoso, but now how I've come to realise, contrarily, I am utilitarian. Talking about material things, I value use over beauty. I guess your materialistic craze over luxury and your illogical lust for status and money disgusts me more so, to be utterly like you. It must have been a nonsensical thing to grasp that it’s better to enjoy the benefits of one's own efforts, succeed by one's own independence, and move forward without offending any right at your peripheral visions. I could hardly fathom myself on the couch, with various things I bought or had been bought for me which I don't practically need.

I could not nor would I ever conform to your standards.

On Religion and Society (A Compilation)

On Religion and Society 

(A Compilation)

Deist since 2008

Metaphysical & Spiritual since birth

"What is the definition of GOD?"

I think GOD is a human perceived concept for an essence undefinable.

June 8 2015

I have abnegated my previously established religion. Fortunately, at an early age, I understood what existence and life are and how great their difference is.

August 21, 2013

I believe in the dualist pantheistic idea that the universe and God is an identical force, and that everything, man and woman is unified with the cosmic God. Taoism holds the notion that Heaven and I were created together, and all things and I are one. Panendeism, especially in Hinduism, would have the same stand, God is the Universe, and everything in it. Everyone is God.

August 24 2015

Is it because animals don't communicate the way humans do that you see them inferior? Be ashamed, you don't communicate the same way they do, so similarly, you are lowly, too. If we could only connect to the universal "essence", then language isn't really necessary to understand each other, in whatever life form, because creation has no voice, and vibration is the only immanent language in our brains which transcends all boundaries of existential beings.

November 25, 2014

When it comes to dealing with arguments about the Deity and religion, human beings should be free to find, know, and worship God in their own way. All views of God should be respected, so long as they do not cause harm or oppress the views of others.

One day, a superior asked me if I believed in heaven and hell and I replied no (not in the sense you believe those to be), and it seemed to be a great shock for her. I didn't expect her reaction as she would always say she's understanding. But I heard the different tone of her voice as she presented her Christian views and somehow, I felt insulted. Why then should I explain myself to people?

June 8 2015

As long as there is religion, as long as people blindly follow the beliefs HANDED DOWN to them, as long as each one thinks he's right and the other's wrong, there'll be war. Throughout history, Disparity in religion have always created violence. Love for peace and humanity doesn't need you to conform to any institutionalized religion.

It's heartbreaking to hear about these continuous break-ups in humanity.

June 6 2015

I know this might creep you out, but some have also considered this. There will be another major World War in addition to those in the Islamic States within the next 20 years. I don't usually believe in everything I say about the future, but I can't deny the ill premonitions I have, just like many times before. Nations will break apart. Globalization will also mean battle for humanity's sake.

December 13

I just want a peaceful and progressive country, not totally perfect, under a leader whose values are incorruptible.

December 1

Poor Filipinos, woe to you my countrymen! How could you lower your principles to a sickening level that you would rather consider the honesty of someone's immorality as admirable? Why have you stooped so low, the country's future is not one you see in action films, and the citizen do not deserve a life less inhumane and laws not near to being unconstitutional and moral? Are you all so hopeless and helpless? Change in the government starts with you and not with who you put in charge. What would become of the nation?

                                                                                                        

October 3

I miss the beaches of the Philippines--the smell of brine in the breeze as I idly stroll along the shores, the biting saltiness of the seawater on my lips and eyes as I dive into the cool depths below, the sight of underwater life forming a mirage of a distorted rainbow, the fine sun-heated sand sticking between my toes as my feet sinks into it, the clouds languidly moving in the clear azure sky, and the delicious aroma from grilled fish and meat for lunch.

December 4

If you're travelling to the Philippines on a budget and expect to experience authentic local food in the streets, you'll just be disappointed. Good food are always served in houses for family and friends and in restaurants for other locals. Street food isn't like what you'll find in other Asian countries. In the Philippines, cheap food is cheap for a reason.

November 13

I don't love humanity but I hope for its survival only if we limit birth rates. I might be one of those who are insensitive human beings and I am glad I don't think like everybody else.

September 10

If only the earth could be shredded into bills, the money-hungry society wouldn't need to worry about scarce material possession...what are left for them to buy and own anyway?

October 5

How utterly unfortunate to be sharing the same race with so many cruel, heartless other humans! I am not one to say I'm as spotless as a white slate, but I am so upset with the human's imposing superiority over other life forms on Earth and how they disrespectfully treat the poor animals, other people and the environment in the most incorrigibly deplorable ways! Humans have become the large over-breeding cockroaches, the parasite that exhausts the planet, the virus that kills all other life, and the destruction to itself.

November 10

Language, my friends, is alive. Accent is the color that makes it vibrant. By large, no one is better or worse in communication by judging only the accent. I foresee the radical change of the native-ness of English language to a globalised multi-standard English in which it is not exclusive to those born in the UK, US, Canada, NZ and Australia anymore. Accent and regional slang matter no more. Pretty sure, the dictionaries would definitely be revised for the new language of the world. The old Germanic language has sure gone through a tremendous change over the centuries. Mankind is soon building the tower of Babel.

For the Sake of Being Odd

October 24, 2014

For the sake of religion. Instance #1:When I was in grade 2, I worshipped this old tree with my cult friends at school. We offered it our milk drinks and whatever extra we had.

In 6th grade, I worshipped the earth and drew patterns and symbols that only it and I could understand. Creepy little girl.

For the sake of meditation and pantheism. Instance #2:

I was in my shorts and spaghetti strapped top when I decided to meditate outside. It was already deep in the night and I sat at the patio of the house, crossed my legs in front of me and rested my palms against my thighs. I breathed slowly and steadily while my eyes were closed to still my mind and body. A few seconds later, I was shivering, damn the cold, and my teeth rattled, then my body went numb all over. I hyperventilated. Ugh.

For the sake of drama and literature. Instance #3:

That was when I was heartbroken and I hated myself of writing about *** in my journal. I felt angry and devastated, so I ripped the magical black page off my notes and decided I need to forget about ***. I found a candle and lit it inside the room. It was fine until I burned the paper. Of course, I stupidly suffocated myself inside the room. I couldn't go out and ask for help, because it was embarrassing!

I can't help but laugh at myself remembering the foolish things I did in the past for the sake of art and mysticism. For one, I burned incense in oil in my room at night, sleeping in the dim candlelit space. I admit the aroma smelt like forest wood and lingered in the whole house. Ugh, but I did it anyway.

February 5, 2014

I miss those times when I used to line my eyes with kohl, brush my cheeks with rouge, color my eyelids in purple or pink, wear different shades of lipstick, do my hair in any style, and dye my hair brown or gold...

I miss being the weirdo and gaga... I miss the wild and eccentric…

I miss being misunderstood...

Sheep in the Big City

August 29, 2012

------One

I have all the luxury of time.

I idle my way through life.

Like a girl chasing butterflies

On a bright sunny day,

Amidst a picturesque landscape.

I got into the city with the thrill of adventure and challenge in mind. The usual fervor burning in me glows even more than ever before. I had the hope of finding my real purpose in life. A purpose which had supposedly been to be a teacher. This purpose that I kept secure and sturdily pursues had been put into question at a time when I thought I was doing what I know I should, but dumbfounded, I was corrected with a red error mark on my paper. I mirror the words that was thrown at me, and questioned myself deeply, maybe I am not meant to be a teacher--AFTER ALL. I hoped for consolation, nevertheless--I found another confirmation that I might just be at risk of insanity. No objection there, despite no proof of psychiatric records or tests and just a mere informal observation of my behavior. Self-esteem barred down. Purpose now in doubt.

Before, I had a conversation with a wise and good-willed priest who told me that I am a philosopher at heart. He asked me why I didn’t take up Philosophy classes in college. I would have excelled. Anyway, he advised for me to continue with my curiosity and search for the answers of life. "Keep on searching for the truth. Life never runs out of things to ponder."

A philosopher calls me one like him. A teacher calls me "risky". Who should I believe?

Then I went my way out of the rut of self-destruct. Let me strip off my facade and see what's really missing inside of myself. I want to try to understand what the pulses are for. Right then, I quit. I quit from the objections and criticisms. I know running away would not help me forget, much more ease the heartaches. But, at least, I got my time and space to rethink who I should be and what my purpose really is.

The big city.

I came in with nothing but courage to survive and a hope to live free. I trusted that I can work things out well, and only to God, I cling for mercy.

Now, I can't even get hold of butterflies, nor can I see the picturesque landscape behind me.

I have become a sheep in the big city.

Poetry of the Soul

Poetry of the Soul

(A compilation)

Once upon an awkward time in history, Juliet Capulet had a sister Magdalene. Only Lady Capulet knew about the secret. Magdalene lived like Mary in a barn in Bethlehem, with a twist. Magdalene dealt with the seven devils while Juliet dealt with her star-crossed love affair with Romeo. When Magdalene met with her family, she added fuel to the fire. Lovers and sinners, daughters and sisters, what hath thou has, so too shall be mine.

¤

"Drunk and nowhere to go. The liquor called life has drowned my soul into this shit. I've lost him and even if I follow his track, I won't ever find him again. But…I would be found, instead. I drop myself upon the cold pavement, the street vacated. I don't mind the bitter air forcing into my airways as long as I stay sane tonight, yes just for tonight, I cling for mercy to be saved from a death soon coming. She's out there, I know, preying on me. I'd have to keep going, but these sore feet can hardly move anymore, my luck has left me nothing but an unheard cry for bail. I haven't intended for any of those evil done, I've done nothing wrong, they can't blame me, and I’m not guilty."

----- When Mona Kills

¤

When bitter resentments sweep me to hell, when all hopes of paradise disappear, I sit alone on rocks of fury; is this a present inferno which is not in the afterlife?

Time, which moves life.

Time, the essence of existence.

Time, boundless and infinite.

Time, we can only do so much.

Experience, only time can grace.

Life, only experience can create.

¤

I am in a rut.

I am wasting my time.

I am drifting away from my passion.

I am consistently ending up feeling lost in a world run by money.

I only wanted to live peacefully somewhere where I can just write, draw, and dream.

And another . . . bam!

Hits me hard . . . I fall.

Bam! This time, harder.

I bleed.

My grit.

Must move. Much faster. More force.

The sun beckons.

There is nothing more beautiful in art than that of suffering.

¤

I am not being modest; what I do is self-destruction.

¤

Excuse me for living.

It was an accident.

¤

Maybe, maybe, I'm really a lifeless pebble...

Maybe, maybe, I'm a hoax in existence...

¤

I hope for one thing:

For people to forget I existed, and to remember I lived.

"An artist who stops making art is committing an emotional suicide."

Yeah I did, and I've been internally dead for years. I'm sure those who know the real me realize how much I've decayed.

¤

How many novels have I finished creating nightly in my mind? Too many I couldn't even count. That's why I always get confused with reality when I wake up. Delusion is the after-effect of an abnormally active mental creativity.

¤

I'm gonna swallow the needles I used to pierce my lips.

I'm gonna need wisdom coming from another's mouth.

And those of the souls I can connect with, understand. 

WORKING ON A BETTER ME

I've made mistakes.
I've made the wrong decisions.
I've made myself suffer.
I've made my life terrible.

But I'm now healing from severe depression and trying to better myself.
I've been through a couple of psychotherapies after my clinical diagnosis.
I may no longer be the happy-go-lucky girl that I was ten years ago,
I may no longer be the matured woman who loves unconditionally three years ago,
But I have always seen myself as an ever-changing person.
I have always been through hardships and have learned a great deal of lessons.
Each time, I grew up.
Each time, I become someone different.
My whole individual is created by all those blocks I've earned in my journey to self-actualization.
I will be better.

The Old Unmoving Companion of Life

I chose the huge cold lifeless boulder sitting in the lawn of which its existence I could never fathom how long has been.

The young vigorous bud only suits a weathered pair of eyes.

I have seen much more, I have plucked some more.    

Teeming with what seems to be an animated splendor in evanescent moments of summer.