August
29, 2012
------One
I
have all the luxury of time.
I
idle my way through life.
Like
a girl chasing butterflies
On
a bright sunny day,
Amidst
a picturesque landscape.
I got into the city with the thrill of adventure and
challenge in mind. The usual fervor burning in me glows even more than ever
before. I had the hope of finding my real purpose in life. A purpose which had
supposedly been to be a teacher. This purpose that I kept secure and sturdily
pursues had been put into question at a time when I thought I was doing what I
know I should, but dumbfounded, I was corrected with a red error mark on my
paper. I mirror the words that was thrown at me, and questioned myself deeply,
maybe I am not meant to be a teacher--AFTER ALL. I hoped for consolation,
nevertheless--I found another confirmation that I might just be at risk of
insanity. No objection there, despite no proof of psychiatric records or tests
and just a mere informal observation of my behavior. Self-esteem barred down.
Purpose now in doubt.
Before, I had a conversation with a wise and good-willed
priest who told me that I am a philosopher at heart. He asked me why I didn’t
take up Philosophy classes in college. I would have excelled. Anyway, he
advised for me to continue with my curiosity and search for the answers of
life. "Keep on searching for the truth. Life never runs out of things to
ponder."
A philosopher calls me one like him. A teacher calls me
"risky". Who should I believe?
Then I went my way out of the rut of self-destruct. Let me
strip off my facade and see what's really missing inside of myself. I want to
try to understand what the pulses are for. Right then, I quit. I quit from the
objections and criticisms. I know running away would not help me forget, much
more ease the heartaches. But, at least, I got my time and space to rethink who
I should be and what my purpose really is.
The big city.
I came in with nothing but courage to survive and a hope to
live free. I trusted that I can work things out well, and only to God, I cling
for mercy.
Now, I can't even get hold of butterflies, nor can I see the
picturesque landscape behind me.
I have become a
sheep in the big city.
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