Prologue to My New Novel

Prologue

My name is Fleur. I’m an orphan, so I don’t have any surname to attach my first name with. I live in Tarragona, Davao Oriental, a small municipality by the coast surrounded by dense forests, meadows and pastures, and coconuts areas. The townspeople including the parishioners and my church-mates would only acquaint me as Fleur of Tarragona to people outside of our municipality.

I reside within the compounds of San Pedro Claver’s Parish, under the care of two parishioners Miss Emma and her husband, Brother Noel. They never had a child but they were very kind to raise the four of us­ ― me, Sheddoné, Dan and Sebastien­—altogether parentless since childhood.

In exchange to their kindheartedness, the four of us decided to serve in church and in the community. Dan and Sheddoné served during the mass and home visitations. Sebastien’s considered as the most outstanding of us four, not because he’s the eldest, but also because he's the most active and efficient in community and church activities. Sebastien’s remarkably knowledgeable on the subject of religion and philosophy­—in which I’m very poor at! Since my potentials could undeniably not equal theirs, I’m better off cleaning around San Pedro’s compound . . . like a janitress.

Other than being an all-around janitress of San Pedro Claver’s Parish, I’m also a senior in Tarragona Public High. Even with my academics, I never pass for the honor roll . . . nor have I joined any extra-curricular activity . . . ever.

An average girl, you may call me . . . err . . . perhaps a little bit below the average . . . and please—forget about the physical aspect! Shall we just stick to the old proverbs: “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” or simply, “Looks can be deceiving.” From thus, I believe that ignorance can never speak a person’s truth; nor judgment based on blind faith. And as for me, the past has long been forgotten, and I know enough about myself, my life and my truth­―or so I thought.

The Bell tolled.

“Good morning!”

I greet the chirping Maya birds outside my window . . . and as always, unsurprisingly, my greeting sent the windows to bolt out open again.

Creativity + Bipolar Disorder

What has Bipolar disorder got to do with creativity?

I've read in many articles that many great artists and writers are bipolar or are speculated to be bipolar by psychiatrists.

Heightened creativity usually happens during mania. I guess that's a good reason, since it's a time of hyperactivity, elated self-esteem, impulsiveness, over optimism, imagination runs high and so it might result to a person doing his bests and making the most of his talent and skill.

I am one good example. The last time I posted in my blog was two months ago. And now, expect me to have more than three posts just this day. I haven't continued my on-going novel for almost 3 months, and now i'm continuing it again. I haven't draw for almost a year, now I'm thinking of doing it again and imagining a lot more than ever! I'm sleepless nowadays because of indulging myself in these productive activities.

Some of the well-known creative people who are and might be bipolar:

My idols: Marylin Monroe, Britney Spears, Emily Dickinson, Vincent Van Gogh, Michaelangelo, Kurt Cobain, Ozzy Osbourne, Edgar Allan Poe, Axl Rose

And many other!!!!

Someday, I'll be one of the long list of creative minds with bipolar disorder. You'll see my name in many articles, Wikipedia, and other books. Haha

Yours truly,

Mistress Gaga

A Cycle of Mania and Depression

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Today, I want to be my own doctor. what kind of doctor? Hmm...Maybe a Psychologist or better, a Psychiatrist. Supposing I took a course on psychiatric medicine and is now diagnosing a patient. And who's the patient? Me, of course! Who else but me! Me! Me! Me! My dear me! I am Dr. KMLC diagnosing a patient named KMLC for Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder? What's that? Is it some disease I get from going to different polar regions around the globe? Is it a virus I've acquired during a stay in North Pole? South Pole maybe? Nah, I haven't even got the chance to fly out of my country. Thanks to the internet, I have gathered facts about Bipolar Disorder. Ah, by the way, how'd I new about the term? It's complicated and stupid, and got my ass kicked by sexy cupid. I guess he wants to play. Play with my mood, personality and life. Oh, cupid, my dear. I'm not referring to love cupid, it's you pleasure! it's that pleasure I get when I'm happy, and the sorrow I get if I do not have you! It's that. The complication started somewhere during my high school years. I had a strange gut feeling about what's going on with my thoughts and actions. But the truth is, I read about it in a magazine....Home and Living Journal???...Whatever..So, there, BIPOLAR DISEASE..MOOD SWINGS...MANIC-DEPRESSIVE DISORDER...and blah blah...Since i was a reader, and i just love psychology, I skimmed through the pages and found out (Gasps), I am Bipolar! Then, I read in other resources, the best would be my Encyclopedias. And others.

From this URL http://ask.doctoroz.com/question/who-can-develop-bipolar-disorder

Bipolar disorder is a term that describes a major psychiatric problem with one's capacity to maintain a normal and stable mood. This term was in the past only used exclusively to describe those individuals whose problem with moodiness met a strict criterion - that is, they had to experience a major depressed mood for at least two weeks in duration alternating with episodes of abnormally high moods, called mania. Today, the term bipolar disorder is now frequently used to include those individuals who have irritability, and impulsive angry outbursts in addition to depression.

Symptoms:

During manic periods, people with bipolar disorder may:

• Be overly happy, hopeful, and excited
• Change suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile
• Behave in strange ways
• Become restless
• Talk rapidly
• Have a lot of energy and need very little sleep
• Believe they have many skills and powers and can do anything
• Make grand plans
• Show poor judgment and make impulsive, harmful decisions
• Become headstrong, annoying, or demanding
• Become easily distracted
• Abuse drugs and alcohol
• Have a much higher sex drive

During depressive periods, they may:

• Feel empty, sad, or hopeless
• Feel guilty, worthless, or helpless
• Cry often
• Lose interest in things they usually enjoy, including sex
• Be unable to think clearly, make decisions, or remember things
• Sleep poorly
• Lose or gain weight
• Have low energy
• Abuse drugs and alcohol
• Complain of headaches, stomach aches, and other pains
• Become focused on death
• Attempt suicide

Anyone can develop bipolar disorder, including children and teens. However, most people with bipolar disorder develop it in their late teen or early adult years. The illness usually lasts a lifetime.

(I hate this statement...A lifetime???? Gawd!!!)

See there, the criteria fits me so well! Almost perfectly! And to add, my mood swings sometimes interchange every other day.

I'm really thankful of my manic episodes, because those are the times of my great productivity. I write a lot, dream a lot, draw a lot, read a lot, talk a lot, and do a lot!!! it's my creativity to the fullest or slight. It's when I feel like nothing will go wrong, I don't care about obstacles, like "Come on baby! I ain't scared of ya!" "Alright! I can do this!" "Yeah, I will be the greatest cartoonist in the world! I will change the world! My name will soon be written in the encyclopedias! No dream is to far, it's in my hands!" Duh, super, I don't get enough sleep because of hyperactivity. And I'm easily angered, i bust out, exploding all the cuss words I know, even facing the person or the thing and cuss at them! And still, I don't care whatever happens after. Then, I forgot about it and proceed to my hobby and other grand plans.

Then, all of a sudden, my glittering hard-as-steel world shrinks into soft and limp veggies. Ah, another extreme cycle of depression. I felt like, "Gawd! I'm so stupid, so ugly, so worthless, so yucky, so dumb and stupid (did i mention it already?), so crazy, so unlovable, so damn my soul to hell! I hate this fucking life! I hate that homosexual-looking person in the mirror! Those ugly teeth, 1-liter coca cola body, drum-like belly, tomboyish attitude, slow pick-up neurons, and everything! Fuck this motherfucking shit! Whew, that was fun to read aloud! But no, 'cuz I'm in a manic mood today, I'm calling myself a gorgeous goddess, I am fabulous, sexy, sophisticated, intelligent (Who else could write lie this? You, moron? No. Me, only me), I can do whatever I want, I don't care about you and your opinion of me. keep it to yourself 'cuz I don't give a damn about it. I am great and forever will be. You will look up at me 'cuz I know I'm tall and my stance's so cool. Can you argue more?

Okay, I am in my depressed episode. I hurt myself, mutilate myself, bang my head on the wall, slap myself so hard in front of the mirror until my cheek turns scarlet, and laugh at myself while crying. I would put on outrageous make up and talk to myself in different voices and expressions in the mirror and tell myself how fucked up my life is, and how messed up I will be forever. I would advise myself to stay calm and strong, or the other would advise me to cut (again) my wrist, hit myself again and commit suicide. Oh, this isn't bipolar anymore...I think I'm now talking about my multiple personality. Anyway, they may be related to one another. What, am I bipolar with multiple personality? Great! I'll talk about that issue in another post.

This is the reason people would describe me "Funny, hyper, UNIQUE, moody, different, and the list goes on...." They tell me I'm different, weird, impulsive and unpredictable. Of course, even I couldn't predict when my cycle changes. I haven;'t really opened this up to many,. and to those whom I've shared this issue with, they brush it off telling me, you're normal..just different. It's not serious. Well, I say it is. If attempting suicide a serious problem for them, why not mine? It's much more than desiring to kill myself.

Until now, i still don't have any idea how i became this. What's the cause and what triggers my episodes. it just happen on its own, without warning. I just feel it one day, and woke up feeling the other the next day.

So that's about me. i have lots of experiences that would consider me crazy. But I'm not. I'm just Bipolar with multiple personalities. This is a serious disease they say, but while i'm in my Manic episode, it doesn't bother me. When i'm depressed, it does bother me a lot. The hell, it's ruining my life and relationships! Si today, I'm happy! I hope tomorrow will stay the same. No more cycles, please? It's difficult, I might be dead the morning after. So please have mercy on me sexy cupid!

I'm going gaga over this. :)

Yours truly,

Mistress Gaga

Aurora Caelestis

I am Aurora Caelestis. I am the brightest light in all of heavens and universe. I am the light, the hope, the dream, and the life. Look up at me with awe, but better avert your gaze if you mean to lay your dirty eyes on me. I will blind you, filth!