sCribbLes

"Leave your past into oblivion...Surrender your hopes to the wind...Live life in the moment as if heaven is on earth..."

-kiyuki meili chizuko

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"Today, I chose to do what I can. And I can do anything!"

-kiyuki meili chizuko

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"Do not regret the things that once made you happy."

-kiyuki meili chizuko

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..pApa, Im a GoOd gUrL..

Oh father, see me living free,

Oh mother, please stay away from me?

Oh sister, won't you stop talking please?

Oh Jesus, you f***** Jesus,

Why won't you help me?

Oh father, you know how I love you,

Oh mother, you know how I hate you,

Oh sister, you know how I despise you,

Oh Jesus, f*** your mother Mary.

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I'm consumed in my own world.

Every hour seems like endless years and all I hear is how they would laugh at me when I try.

I am so miserable without no one to turn to, no one to cry on, felt so numb inside.

I blame it all to those who ruined me for eternity, took away the love, gone without sanity.

Couldn't even remember how it all begun, my hatred...when will it disappear?

Then, there was a flash of memories.

And I saw my father looking at me with those eyes, it made me cry, made me want to die.

It was filled with pain.

I knew I disappointed him.

But I promise I wanted to make him proud.

Someday, somehow...I wish I could...But sorry, I wasn't strong enough.

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Oh father, see me living free,

Oh mother, please stay away from me?

Oh sister, would you stop talking please?

Oh Jesus, you f***** Jesus,

You call your self a savior

So why won't you help me?

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It made me think what's wrong with all the people around,

All the things that are happening, oh, why so confusing?

I'm tired of pretending like I'm ok.

God knows it's killing me

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She never stop on telling me what to do, what's right. Oh mother, I just can't, you see..

She never pause on criticizing me, blaming me like it was a huge crime. Oh sist just shut up..

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I'm crying out loud for peace and love in this world,

When I heard them laughing hard at me.
i'd love to hit them and slap them without my father knowing.

I'd love to see their pale faces as I stare and grin my teeth at them.

Would they be happy, angry or sad?

Somebody, tell me.

See, mom I'm tired of your acting, my sis criticizing.

Don't tel me I'm bad and to blame when it wasn't my fault, it never was...I can't leave coz anyhow, some people are still there to make me smile.

I want to prove to him, there's still a way.

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If you think I got nowhere to go, F*** I always have.

See, none of you can stop me...Now, don't tell me you're so much better.

Sorry, but believe me, I'd feel wonderful if the both of you disappear.

Hear my prayer, God...prayer of a sinful one..

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Oh father, I'm sorry for all I've done.

Oh mother, please cry infront of me.

Oh sister, go burn in hell, I pray.

I hear angels talking about me from up above.

They say I'm bad, and I'm to blame.

I hear devils whispering down from hell.

Saying, good girl, now come and have some fun..

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"Kono Sekai"

I
Boku wa kimi no zutto
Itsu made mo ni kara
Boku wa kimi ai suru, kite to mite
Yume wa yoi de no ka
Itsu made watashi ga ikiteiru no suguni ikinokoru
'
II.
Kono sekai ii da ne?
Shiroi toshite hana no
Kono sekai doko ni, doko ni hashitte?
Tokidoki tameiki
Itsu watashi wakare no kono sekai mo hitotsu sekai hakken
'
III.
Itsu kikan tsuku no
Ima sugu ni
Nani ga dekiru kana, fureru sono yo?
Itsu no hajimeru ga
Tatoe ga sekai wa owaru itsu mo kimi no zutto issho ni
'
IV.
Kono sekai basho de
Kanashimi ga aru
Koko ni kurai da na, do natte iru no?
Yokereba torikaete
Kono sekai kimi no uta no michiru to azayaki suru na

Semptember 19, 2005

I'm really tired, I want to do something, I'm bored today. Date is 081905, this sucks...How damning it is to feel my world falling apart. I hate this stupid life of mine.

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i'm going to a place where my dreams will truly come true. Somewhere where my soul is free to feel joy and blis. Away from this pain. Where is it? I just can't wait to be there. I'm excited! Wanna go with me? Why don't you? It's all fun in there...Want to go with me? You'll be happy like we always wanted to be! Come with me, I'll show you everything we dreamed of seeing...It'll be wonderful! No wonder here, in this Goddamned land, we suffered, endured, waited for the time to come that we will be able to love ourselves. You wanted it too, didn't you? A life where we will be lie birds soaring above this brown land, looking down at every in of life. Let's leave this world, to somewhere, in paradise. We have waited so long to reach what we've always wanted to reach. How great, wonderful it would be to be standing at the edge of a cliff facing the lonely sun setting at the horizon, with the ocean so blue turning orange. The only proof to our existence...Let's go, shall we? Right now...Come...

______The Last Hope"......

God, Where am I? Am I in this world? Am I in Heaven? Am I in Hell? Or nowhere at all? I do not know. I do not have the answers maybe you have. Could I ever find my way home? ould I ever find the light to tear the Darkness? My happiness, my dreams...my path, here? Where are you? Who are you? Who am I? Do you know? I want to go, I want to escape, I want to run away from this cell. I'm so, so afraid. I want reality. I want to look at the world. But here, it is so dark. Help me. I think I'm crying. I can feel it, but I cannot see it, my tears. Look at me! Could you look at me? I'm ugly, right?! I'm dull! You all hate me, right?! Go on. Laugh! Laugh at me! I can take it...Darkness is beginning to swallow me. Fill my mind, my heart, my blood, my senses, my feelings, my heart, and my soul. With this..Darkess, this evil desire is in me. Forgive me if I have sinned. But this life I can't forgive...Is there any hope? None...Another hello? Only goodbye.
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(I made this back in second year high school)

the crazy tadpoles

I have a pond...not so big but not too small..hehehe...but im sure you'll all fit there, coz you guys are tadpoles in my life! so cute and tiny, but so wiggly and lively! hahahaha...you create foams in my pond, and I feel cushioned by your love, care, and support....thankz for being one of the crazy tadpoles in my pond of life!

I Am A Cursed Creature

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I am a cursed creature.
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Eternity, I will be alive.
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But death is my middle name, a soul in chain.
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I bleed an endless flux.
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My tears dried up for years.
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But I still weep of a promised love unending.
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Luck does not hear me.
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Life has abandoned me forever.
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I could only pray I would be stoned soon.
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Smiles have left me.
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I embraced hurt so much now that it doesn't feel
like hurt anymore.
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It only felt now like a habit, involuntarily arising.
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I am a cursed creature.
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A detained spirit.
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A poor soul in fated agony.
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A Leap Beyond Normal

Nobody ever told me what being normal would really mean. I don't have the precise idea of it's nature, and how would I know? I don't think I'll ever know.

Does it seem normal being normal everyday? Or maybe it would be just on the person's own reality, that one she made for herself. In the eye of the people beyond her reality, she doesn't look any bit normal. She, in their own point of view, is extreme or maybe just a leap beyond normal. But if it's something beyond the boundary of normality then, therefore it's already on the edge of abnormality! In simple words, she is not normal. So what's the point? Do I want to know how it is to know what being normal is? Or do I just really want to know if I pass the test for abnormality? When I say "she" I mean "me", and to base from what I just stated, I am extreme or just a leap beyond normal, so what's the point again? The point is that I want you to know that I am not normal, in every sense and in every point of view. People see me and considered me weird, and I, too, consider myself different, though I always aim to fit in, I just couldn't. Why could'nt I? What is it that's wrong with me? Why can't I fit in? I'm not saying I'd want to fit in the whole cliche, but just somehow be part of a group of individuals who wouldn't see me weird or a step distant from their own mental stability. I'm feeling that there's something bad in me, that pulling negative force that drowns me to suffocation, that bad air that pollutes anybody who dared open the container, that deadly toxin that poisons a curious individual who would want to spill the liquid, and what's the purpose?! To kill me and those people that I want to be with? So that's it then, the simple answer to my stupid and pointless query.

By any abnormal circumstances, I am not allowed to be normal with any normal person in this normal world! Because I am not normal, and I live inside my not-so-normal world, along with all the unnatural negative forces which pulls me down and down to the utmost realm of abnormality.

What else is there to ponder upon? Nothing more! Enough of senseless questions that surely leads to pointless answers that makes no sense at all..

i'm easy to get but difficult to own

when i say i like you, it's not a guarantee that we can already start a relationship together..

when i say you're attractive and interesting, it doesn't mean that i would want to make up with you..

I am an inevitable person, I am changeable and I believe that I am indecisive.

If you want me, tell me straightly. It won't help keeping your motive from me, sooner I will know it. And no matter how you hide it, I don't care. There's no assurance you will get it anyway.

I control my life and my fate. Whatever choice I make, it's because I want to. If you think I'm playing, bet a million, and you'll sure to lose. But I'm not saying that I'm not a player, I am and I am not too.

I have a definite time when I can finally enter a relationship, and I won't tell you, why bother anyway? You lack patience, then that's fine, i won't go after you..

You intent to wait, then good for you..I'll repay that sometime, but it's not also a guarantee I'll end up with you.

But all I can promise is that if you can give me what I want, you will have me, totally..

I'm easy to get but difficult to own..

and..

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best...