HavOc wiThiN

This is the worst topic I could ever write about at this point of my life..

It's like all the time, I get to like somebody..and for those moments, I thought I was in love, but the truth is, I wasn't.. and until such times that I could finally bear in my mind that I am so different from the common people, the average girls of my age, and females alike..I don't think I'm ever capable of loving and to be loved. I don't think I'm ever capable of showing my real feelings to somebody, and worst, I don't think I'm ever capable to be normal..

I've been alive in this universe for 18 calendar years already, but am I matured enough to handle this lack inside me? this yearning inside me?

Or am I matured enough to finally say now that I'm inlove with someone ?? I couldn't foresee when will I again tell myself that I am not and never have been in love..And I do hope that I might realize it someday.

I could never afford to lose again my sanity into something wonderful yet deceiving.. I will not let myself fall hopelessly into a hole of emptiness caused by lies and unrequited love..

This is not my fate..
and if ever I also deserve somebody to show to me a world totally different from the one I confined myself into, then, the heavens must be on my side! they must have felt humanly pity and mercy upon me..

I need more clarity, I need to see more thoroughly to my intentions,to have a better perception on things regarding this Havoc they call Love..

He was that guy!! I swear t'was Him!

I was so different back then...
I never thought this would ever happen to me...
I toLd mahseLf many times 'twas a big joke...
But, it never was...
It was reaL...
The pain was reaL...
I was happy somehow...
StiLL, it hurts...
But not now...
Not now that it's time to move on...
I met this guy 3 years ago...and he was never mah type...he had a Long hair, he was dark, and he seLdom takes his bath...stinks,right? but, he did that because he was inspired by another artist who doesn't takes his bath...wow...
He was an artist...a painter, and i Loved that! I admired his passion for the arts...He was so cooL...reaLLy cooL!
It was during those days when me and mah friends are going home and i aLways see him at their house...He wouLd aLways turn his head and stare at us each time we pass by their pLace...we aLways had that oh so reaL eye contacts....there was this deep intensity in his gaze...it feLt so good...I was magnetized...i couLdn't even breath...and right at that moment...i feLt my body meLting...my souL wandering through the abyss of the moment...sparks fLy and then i knew i was faLLing for him...
he was 12 years my senior...but it didn't matter to me...i want to be with him if onLy i had the chance...not too Long after, it was Lost though...that chance was aLready Lost now...He Loved somebody eLse and I was aLways just right there at his back...waiting and hoping he might soon notice me...But it was fooLish...i know...But, you may say i'm a fooL...I don't care...
In those times, you may teLL me to quit that nonsense, and I won't...coz you see...
somehow...that nonsense makes sense to me...
It was a hidden Love...i wish I shouLd have toLd him 'bout it...coz Like what they said...the most painfuL thing 'bout hidden Love, is that it never fades away...
maybe there was stiLL a very LittLe part in me that hopes for a future with him...But, I don't need him anymore...I don't need him to be on my mind anymore...Yes, he was the first man that I knew I Loved deepLy...But he'LL never be mah Last...God forbid that he'LL be....
He was just there onLy to teach me...not to Love me...
And for that, i thank him...he changed mah Life...because of him...I Learned to wait, to hope, to be patient, to Love, and to appreciate hurts and dissapointments...
I guess...he missed a very wonderfuL opportunity...But i wish him Luck in his Life...
Am gonna start a new journey...am gonna waLk the unorthodoxed raod...I wiLL then Leave a track for those who have gone astray...They'LL waLk that path where i Left mah footprints from a very tragic to a wonderfuL understanding in love and in Life...

Ta,
The Goddess