“I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”
― Takeshi Shudo
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Rukiyuki Puzzle
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Pumpkin Dream

To see a pumpkin in your dream implies openness and receptiveness to new ideas and experiences. A pumpkin is also symbolic of the female sexuality. Alternately, it may relate to the popular fairy tale of Cinderella where a carriage turns back into a pumpkin. In this regard, it may represent some situation in which time is running out.
The comfort room was indeed a comfort for my vanity and me. I went in and out of every restroom found in the campus as often as was possible. I looked through each wide mirror and saw myself, my make-up getting smudgy again. For numerous times I couldn’t even count, I retouched. I fixed my coif and outfit; sprayed my perfume excessively that I wrinkled my nose from the strong scent, to make sure it’ll linger in every corridor I walked. Then, I flashed my most alluring smile at the beautiful reflection.
As I walked through the hallway, a meddlesome pack of rowdy boys kept on making noise and hooting like wild monkeys.
“Woah, Nell’s coming!”
“Hurry, here she comes!”
“Sexy chick . . . Whew!”
“Yeah, dude!”
“Man, smells so sweet!”
I strut my walk, swayed my hips, my intoxicating fragrance oozing for them to inhale and bewilder their masculine imaginations. They followed me, intentionally bumping into each other, though pretending otherwise as if our meeting was just mere coincidence. However, my vanity and I knows better. I flirted like a butterfly finding its mate. Instinctively, my Pheromones were enough to entice these sexual swarms into the cavities of my hive, or were I the one victimized by circumstances?
After school hours, I waited for Uncle Ton to fetch me. On his motor scooter, we rode the streets, and again, by some unfortunate turn of events, I encountered the jeering rascals I have mentioned before.
“Nell!”
It was my cousin Claire, who called. She was with those raucous men. I didn’t know she’s acquainted with the monkeys. It’s kinda weird, but from this distance, I think I heard someone from the group asked her, “Is she already married? That her husband?”
Pish. Do I look like a jade to them already? They’re unbelievable—considering how pretty I look! Of course, I’m not ashamed to say that in the least. It is a fact.
“No! That’s not her husband, it’s our Uncle.”
Uncle Ton dropped me then and there. Claire approached me, and following her was a man I fairly recognized.
“Nell, this is Klein. “
“Oh, hi!” I remember him way back in college. He was Claire’s classmate and was 3 years my senior.
“He wants to talk with you. Something he needs to tell you.”
By that, Klein shyly smiled, but still managed to look at me straight in the eyes with rather sincere intentions. We led ourselves into an amusement park. By the entrance was my mother. She was smiling as if knowing who Klein was and his purpose with me, though they haven’t even met yet. Throughout the time we were with Claire, she nagged Klein nonstop to tell me whatever it was he needed to tell me.
“Not now, we’ll save it later.”
Ah! He wanted to speak with me in private, which I found very flattering—a man saving his words just for me—and only for me!
“Woah! Pumpkin trees?!” I was totally amazed when we passed by a row of Pumpkin trees.
“Looks like it, and real Pumpkin trees, I guess,” he was amazed just the same.
“Oh My! Klein, the pumpkins have faces!” I pointed at the huge trees with large orange gourds hanging on each bough.
“Hah! Like Jack-O-Lanterns . . . Aww! What the—”
Before I could turn to him, a hard thing hit me, “Ouch!” To my astonishment, the Pumpkins were hurling themselves at Klein and me.
“Ow! Don’t worry, Nell! I can handle these feisty Jack-O-Lanterns! Hehe,” he smiled at the possible heroic deed. Whilst Klein was trying to protect me by willingly catching every Pumpkin that fell, I did my best to avoid them. I didn’t need to bother myself of catching those crazy bigger-than-my-head Jack-O-Lanterns. As the hurling Pumpkins took pleasure in exhausting our energies, both of us enjoyed the magical weirdness of that afternoon.
A certain game at the amusement park caught my cousin’s attention. She busied herself together with the gamekeeper, and whatever the game was, I had no idea.
Klein grinned. We felt a surge of hope and excitement. We couldn’t wait to flee from my cousin’s company and finally have our lone time together.
“Claire, Nell and I’ll be strolling around. Are you coming with us?”
“I’m okay here . . . I’ll see you two later.”
“So, shall we go?”
I nodded in accord. We were in a merry mood, everything felt warm, light and carefree. Neither of us was too frugal of smiles and laughs—a cheerful pair of youth. Later, we stopped by an area for restaurants, UK’s, cafes, souvenir shops, and other business stalls. We found a nice cafĂ© to have some snack, and on a small roundtable for two, we sat facing each other.
“You’re really funny, Nell. You never change.”
“Funny or crazy?”
“A doze of both, maybe.”
I laughed, “Or too much of the latter?” I puckered and puffed my cheeks like a fish.
“That’s cute, Nelly.”
“Ooh, you find being crazy cute, eh? That’s dangerous. Tsk tsk!”
“Why’s that?”
“You’re risking yourself to the hazard of a potential contagion.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“You might get it, too, you know.”
Klein laughed at my childlike logic. “I trained once in a psychiatric ward, Nell. Obviously, I’m still sane, am I not?”
“I’m not your typical psycho patient, sir.”
“Of course, you’re not. Actually, you’re—should I say worse? Or better?”
I frowned.
“You’re waaaay better. They’re not as pretty, as smart and as funny as you.”
I beamed. He winked at the reaction.
“But . . .”
Now, I glowered, “Yes?”
“But . . . you’re worse in a special way.”
I tossed my head on the side.
“Your craziness gets me hooked, and I feel like I would want to bear with you for the rest of the day.”
“Oh, talks,” I beamed again.
“I’m being honest here, I’m not just flattering you.”
“Ha-ha! I appreciate the compliment, sir . . . So, how’s life by the way?”
“I’m working in a hospital in the city. A little busy, and I’m doing night shift lately. I’m fine with my current job, but not as fun as being in school.”
“That’s also why I’m still stuck with our dear Alma Mater . . . can’t get enough of Mr. President, FMS, you see.”
He chuckled, “Mr. President, FMS, huh? Have you been rummaging his office lately?”
“Oh. No! I wouldn’t ever dare do that! I’m only a Hallway Celebrity!” I posed for an imaginary photo shoot.
“Ha-ha! I can still remember you were that bubbly, charming young woman at school, either always deep in lively conversations with people, or running through the hallways greeting and waving at familiar faces—or whomever you encounter.”
“Weh? That’s a lie! Was I that disruptive to classes?”
He chuckled, “You were quite amusing.”
“What can I do, maybe I’ll always be a child.”
“A child at heart, huh? Very adorable.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Aye, Nell . . . and that’s why I like you.”
I went speechless. Stunned, I stared at him in disbelief.
“I have always liked you, Nell.”
A little smile curved my lips. “Klein!” in vain, I tried to deny what I’ve just heard.
“I find you pretty and very interesting.”
“You do?” I asked half-pleased, half-mockingly.
He nodded, “I do. Nell, and I want to know you better.”
To know me better. What good is there to know about me? He is sincerely asking for it. I now he sees something in me I never saw myself, and of which I always feared to discover.
“. . . and how it is to be with your company.”
I could only smile.
“People say that love is in the air. Until now, I’m still breathing. Yet I’m still single.” Sighs.
The beautiful face in the mirror looked weary. Her eyes may be in colorful shades, her full red lips parted, her cheeks rouged to blush like a shy little girl of seven, but the hollows of her eyes defied the theatrical appearance she tried to portray.
“Maybe they’ll look good in violet contacts. I should get a pair one day.”
Vanity and I left our “comfort” room and made our way to the busy hallway, my Halliwood Walk of Fame, as what I personally call it.
“Nell Honey!”
“Honey Bee! I missed you so much!” we kissed each other’s cheeks. Her name’s Beryl, my beautiful and ever loyal bff. Our friendship started during our first year in college, we were classmates and we never expected we’d be this close after just a year. I was the playful youth, and she was the mother-like nymph. If I was Vanity, she was Lust. If I was Avarice, she was Gluttony. The two of us, I would call “The Sin Sisters”. We shared the same values in life: to be beautiful, to be desired, to own, to indulge. But Honey Bee was better a sinner than me, I the worst. In reality, she is always better, and I accept it though bitterly because I know a credible and honest witness to our comparison. The Great Mirror who, like the witch in Snow White, shows to me who truly the fairest is.
I loved Beryl, too much than to stain our friendship with my vulnerability. She understands me when I couldn’t understand myself, and she accepted me despite and in spite of my demented mental state.
“The other girls are in the garden, they miss you!” she held my hands and led me to where our friends are. As was usual, we had our bonding session in the garden; sharing about the latest news on our daily romances, family issues, beauty secrets, and all those juicy gossips about other people.
“He asked me out! How about you, Nell?’
“Huh, me? Duh, I’d rather be with you guys, than be with them guys!”
“That’s sweet Nelly Honey!”
“Of course Honey Bee. My friends always come first.”
In my head, I recited my favorite friendship lyric:
My Friends comes first. yes, they could still be life's worst.
We would laugh, play silly stuff
But, when my girlfriends get played, I'm gonna slit the player's throat.
When my boyfriends get dumped, I'm gonna run trim out her lashes.
Men won't have me better than my friends,
they are no good, compared to my bestfriends.
Boy, you may have me, but, when worse comes to worst,
My friends comes first!!!
“When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”
“Three years ago? Uh—no, I never had one. I never considered those past fling partners to be my boyfriends.”
“But you called them boyfriends, anyway?”
“Fling partners they better be called.”
“You don’t have any plans of looking for a new one soon?”
Darn. I always have. What a stupid question.
“You see, Nell prefers one-night stands and multiple partners.”
“Ha-ha. You got me there, Joan.”
“Better be careful, Nell Honey.”
“Oh, yeah, I never forgot. Don’t worry Beryl. Ha-ha!”
“Why what’s that?”
“For everybody’s knowledge, Nell has a Pledge of Purity. Right, Nell Honey?”
I grinned.
“Wow, we didn’t know staying virgin’s still in. ‘till when d’you intend to keep it, then?”
”Until her 20th birthday.”
They all guffawed at the idea. How can I blame them? They’re all too stupid not to understand the importance of the pledge. Pitiful, they’re already too stained that what they can only do is to mock my difference from them. Except Honey Bee. Though Beryl was one of those “experienced” young women, I never felt any disgust for her. Maybe because we’ve been friends for years now, or because of the fact that she only gives herself to a man she loves, no matter how many they had been. Thus, she earned my respect. Unlike me, I engaged myself to making out with strangers, shamelessly flirting with men and leaving them all hanging in the air at the end. And I thought I was acting the right way all along. I was wrong. I saw myself as something to be desired, to be used, to be eaten away by lust, like a host so to purge out love and affection from her parasites. Like the bloodsucking mosquitoes, who loved to feast on me—literally. Scientifically speaking, my delicious Pheromones and high level of estrogen were actually the culprits as to why the male species or the mosquitoes chose to devour me. Love. Lust. They go hand in hand don’t they? But, whichever, I want them both—fiercely.
“Gawd, you’re near!”
“Yeah, and I couldn’t wait!”
“Say that again, Nell! You think it’s that simple?”
“Hush, Beryl, I’m joking.”
“I thought you’re going to do it with a total stranger?” Joan was the one to ask.
“Yup, either that or—“
“She’ll do it with the man who loves her.” Beryl finished for me.
“But you don’t have a boyfriend.”
Ouch. You need not to say that.
“Don’t worry Nelly Honey. The right guy will come, maybe sooner than you expected.”
“I know Honey Bee. Anyway, I’m not the only one feeling bad of not finding my man yet. I’m sure he’s feeling just as bad as I am of not finding me soon either.”
“He absolutely is!”
I wonder if he really is getting impatient of not meeting me yet. Then, I also wonder if “he” really does exist for me.
“Excuse me.” I headed for the comfort room for another vanity check. I looked through each wide mirror and saw myself, my make-up getting smudgy again. For numerous times I couldn’t even count, I retouched. I fixed my coif and outfit; sprayed my perfume excessively that I wrinkled my nose from the strong scent, so to let it linger in the air as I pass by. Then, I flashed my most alluring smile at the beautiful reflection.
“People say that love is in the air. No wonder I’m suffocating, like inhaling carbon dioxide instead of oxygen. Maybe that’s why I’m still single, I have to experience love the other way around.”
Cinderella, Cinderella. Lucky you, you rode a beautiful carriage made of pumpkin, and still found your prince charming. Nelly, Nelly. Pumpkins are already hurling themselves at you, isn’t that demanding? Good thing he's there to catch those crazy Jack-O-Lanterns for you.
Bah! Fairy tale talks. I am already a woman in physique, yet a child still at heart...
And that’s why I like you, Nell.
I could only smile.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A Cycle of Mania and Depression
- Be overly happy, hopeful, and excited
- Change suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile
- Behave in strange ways
- Become restless
- Talk rapidly
- Have a lot of energy and need very little sleep
- Believe they have many skills and powers and can do anything
- Make grand plans
- Show poor judgment and make impulsive, harmful decisions
- Become headstrong, annoying, or demanding
- Become easily distracted
- Abuse drugs and alcohol
- Have a much higher sex drive
- Feel empty, sad, or hopeless
- Feel guilty, worthless, or helpless
- Cry often
- Lose interest in things they usually enjoy, including sex
- Be unable to think clearly, make decisions, or remember things
- Sleep poorly
- Lose or gain weight
- Have low energy
- Abuse drugs and alcohol
- Complain of headaches, stomach aches, and other pains
- Become focused on death
- Attempt suicide
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The Cloudwatchers
He’s gone.
I keep repeating to myself the painful truth that my best buddy will never be able to sit with me for another guy talk that last for a whole day—ever again. It upsets me that he haven’t sent me mails or made a call since last year. But, just a week ago, I had—what I never thought would be—the last chance to meet him. I saw Lawrence, at the early age of twenty-two, cold and lifeless—on his funeral.
I walk along the pavement of the town plaza like a zombie—without spirit—without emotion, while munching peanuts and having deep thoughts.
It didn’t bother me if people see me like this and think I’m crazy. Anyway, they don’t have any idea what happened to me or the pain and sadness I am into now for losing a good friend.
What I need to know now is: why did they leave this early? And for what purpose do God intend for also ending his life? I sit myself on a wooden bench, look up at the puffy clouds, and search for the stupid answers.
“Look! There’s a nice spot!”
We all looked at Jasmine’s direction. She was pointing to a huge boulder of rock at the other side of the hill. We all beamed. We finally found our “new territory”. The five of us—Esther, Jasmine, Kirk, Lawrence and I, sat on the grass beside the boulder. Then, everybody fell silent . . . they were, like me, gazing at the clouds—hypnotized by its leisurely movement.
“Whoa! An angel!” Esther exclaimed when she noticed a clump of clouds formed into a figure.
“No, it’s a phoenix, stupid,” said Kirk.
“Hey, it’s changing into a—a warrior with a sword and . . . a shield! You see, his wings transformed into them!”
“Over there guys! It’s a huge hand with one elongated finger!” Esther said again.
“Yeah . . . it’s pointed at the warrior.”
We spent the whole afternoon just watching and making up stories out of the figures of the clouds. The following day we met at the same spot, and again watched the clouds. Then, every day we did the same.
It was until one afternoon when our group of five was lessen by one. Esther didn’t come to our new territory, and the next, then the next. We became worried at the same time curious. What could have happened to her? So, we decided to visit her home and found out that she had accidentally cut her pinky with a knife while slicing onions. She was too embarrassed to see us that even after persuading her to come play with us again, she wouldn’t. However, after days of pressing her, she finally did.
As always, we watched the clouds, drew figures and made up stories. This time, we gave a solo time for each to tell his own story, with no interruptions supposed to be, but I guess we’ll never change. Ha-ha. The first was Lawrence, pointing to the sky, he began, “hmm . . . Once, there was a huuuge spaceship! And suddenly it came across a horrible alien monster!”
“Hahaha . . . That doesn’t resemble an alien monster . . .”
“Shut up Esther, it does for me ok? Anyway, here’s the story: the spaceship came from a faaaraway planet looking for a nice place to land and rest. But, on their way, a gigantic scary-looking alien monster in a form of . . . an asteroid—teehee, the cloud’s transforming, you see—and they shoot at him!—wait . . . the spaceship’s disintegrating—oh! The monster was too powerful that he crushed the spaceship in just one blow . . . then BANG! End . . .”
“Nah, poor story . . . now here’s mine. Listen,” it was Jasmine. Before she began, she smiled and winked at me. “Look at the clump of clouds just above Lawrence’ poor spaceship. Can you see a—cake? That cake is a very magical pastry, don’t you know? It never runs out . . . And it tastes sooo yummy that you can live forever with just only that! There are chocolates, candies, marshmallows, butter, cookies, jellies, and blah blah toppings and fillings. The icing’s very creamy, too . . .”
I looked at her ogling round eyes as she spoke with passion. I felt pity for her because it had always been her wish to have a beautiful cake on her birthdays, but she had quite the contrary. Even after she spoke, she looked so sad.
Then Kirk interrupted with his usual unusual stories, “Ahem . . . Ladies and gents, I welcome you to another story of the Silly Mango Vendor of Purok 2-A. It was after a hard day’s work in the market selling green mangoes. He packed all his stuff, including his cell phone and pushed his cart home. While he was walking, a fast car nearly ran his tattered cart—”
“W-w-wait . . . can you please point to us the clump of clouds your making your story about?”
“Oh . . . yeah—well . . . alright! I’ll change it! It’s about that cloud—looking like a sheep . . . so now, the sheep loved to dance—and oh—he dances Wowowee’s hits and he wanted to be a real man and to live in the city. So, one day he went to the city and shaved off his wool. Guess what happened next? He wore a poodle-hair wig! He joined Wowowee and went on meee-meee-meee all the way ‘till he died of a cold!”
Next was Esther. She made up a story of the three figures in the sky. There were two taller figures and between them was something smaller. The three were connected by thin wisps of clouds on their middle. Esther interpreted them a family. The clouds looked like they were dancing so she said that they were very happy. “But, one day, the father left his family. He said he’ll buy pizza but he never came back . . .”
“Did he die?”
“Hmm . . . maybe . . .”
“No way, he just bought some pizza; he might be taken by the pizza goblins or that sort of weird stuffs . . .”
“It’s your turn now.” They all looked at me. Mine was nothing cool or exciting, I’m really bad at story-telling and interpretations. It was just about a dog missing and finding his loving owner after losing his way in the streets.
And it was all just memories. Unmoving, I blankly stare at the clouds. Where could they be now? It had been years since we saw each other—the complete five—six years before Esther doomed herself by straying through worldly pleasures of sin. How could we, her only friends, have abandoned her at those times when we knew of her parents’ separation? Then, it was Kirk who made a scandal in college by allegedly beating a teacher out of anger. But, I believe that the teacher does deserve it. To quote Kirk’s description of that teacher, “he’s a screwed up demon hog, and he’s too bald, smelly, stingy, and foul for a professional.”
Aside from that scandal several years ago, I never heard of anything else from him until now. Once, a rumor reached me. He strangely dropped out of college and left the town. He was heard laughing and whistling noisily in the streets one evening, disturbing the sleeping neighbors, and throwing stones at the gates of some houses. He was merrily telling everybody that he’s leaving that forlorn town, that he was on his way to find a big profit business, and buy a luxurious doghouse for his pit-bull and find a six-foot tall international model for a wife.
Another rumor says he was stabbed to death in a brawl one evening in another town. He was exchanging sarcastic jokes with a hot-tempered man in a bar, which later ended into a bloody fight. If the rumors were true, that leaves me, Lawrence and Jasmine in our supposed-to-be five-man friendship.
One year ago, after Lawrence get to board on plane, I lost contact with him the next few months. And just this year, his hopes of piloting a plane died with him on a crash. And Jasmine? She went to work abroad two years ago. I’m hoping she stays safe. I’m glad she frequently emails me, that’s how I get to know her status every now and then. She promised to go home this December; I’m looking forward to it.
“You’re all red Jasmine!” they teased her.
“I’m not!”
“What did you see in the clouds? C’mon tell us!”
She glanced at me briefly, and then looked down. What’s with her? She was about to tell her story when she grimaced and blushed so red and wouldn’t continue. We all looked puzzled, that we gazed to the clouds and tried to find what made her uneasy. From east to west, west to east, south to north, and north to south I glanced. Then, something caught my sight. Something you can never see by scanning each and every clump or wisp of cloud. You had to look at the vast sky as a whole, by then, you could see the two distinctive figures distractingly entwined to each other. They looked like giants, united, falling down to earth. Then, I understood why she blushed to that image. Haha . . .
“Nice image you drawn from the clouds! Interesting,” I said to her, flashing my most mischievous grin. Her eyes widened and she ran away.
When it was my turn to speak, I hesitated for it would be another boring story, plus I am still distracted by huge image of the clouds. The others never discovered what the both of us—Jasmine and I—saw that day. I laughed to myself, we had our secret.
Watching the clouds, I still can’t find the stupid answers. There’s no peanut left.
The clouds . . . the clouds . . . what’s with the clouds? We loved to watch it . . . we always watched it. And my friends, they’re all gone now—leaving me and Jasmine. This is crazy—no—that’s stupid! That’s not the answers I’m looking for. But . . . it seems it is . . . the stupid answer that I actually don’t want to take. . . I don’t know if I should believe such weird thing, but . . . was it God who formed those clouds those days? Then, ignorant and innocent as we were, made up stories from it which unknowingly was our—reality.
They died out of child’s play. We weaved our own fate, and the clouds were too cruel to deceive our innocent minds. Today, I still mourn of a great loss—my best bud Lawrence. Our circle of five is now reduced to two. But despite the ill-fate of our friendship, my boring life, and, though I can still read the subconscious ache of her discontented childhood, I am able to share my life with the woman I have always loved—my Jasmine.
Then again, I can’t help but let myself be taken away by the mystery of the clouds. Now, I get to see a piece of the whole picture. As the clouds move, divide, combine, disintegrate . . . we move with it. And the truth is—me, Jasmine, Lawrence, Kirk and Esther—we all live in the clouds. And despite the distance in place and time, we will always be never too far apart.
Finished
3:37 am
October 14, 2009