I Can't Keep Smiling Forever

Just like what they always say, "If you have problems, better keep them to yourself. People don't care about your problems, anyway."

We are not alike, in any way, we differ a lot. But I guess, they're really right in accusing me as indifferent. In fact I am indifferent, that's why I'm so distant from everybody, including those I learned to love, but who doesn't even see me worthwhile.

I have always tried to please, because what I wanted was to simply have someone that I can call my bestfriend. If to have a bestfriend an impossible dream, I can settle for a mere friend.

Tell me, is it my fault that I am too indifferent? Should you blame me for not being too showy of my feelings?

When I say that I treasure you so much, I sincerely do. If I give you a present, a hug or a smile, it is genuine. They say I'm plastic, a liar, a hypocrite. Heaven knows how it stung. I was never plastic, liar, and a hypocrite. They often misunderstood me, and my efforts to please and make my friends feel good goes in vain. It hurts to see them all together, it hurts to hear them utter words that I never heard as a friend, and it hurts to know that you are nothing compared to the other bestfriends.

Why am I always in the least? Someone least intelligent, least kind, least adorable, least loving, least careful, least funny, least beautiful, least talented, least friendly, least noticed, least rememered, least mentioned, and the least special?

I always bear in mind to make everybody feel happy and special. Their good is one of my biggest concerns. I don't care if they laugh at me, insult me, as long as I get to hear just one single statement from them..."You are so special to me." But what do I receive in return? Nothing. If there is something, it's "You are stupid."

I just want to be someone special. I just want somebody to know I'm here, to acknowledge that I'm loving not indifferent, and to be my bestfriend. It's just so simple, isn't it?

Now, I don't think I can keep smiling forever.

A Cycle of Mania and Depression

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Today, I want to be my own doctor. what kind of doctor? Hmm...Maybe a Psychologist or better, a Psychiatrist. Supposing I took a course on psychiatric medicine and is now diagnosing a patient. And who's the patient? Me, of course! Who else but me! Me! Me! Me! My dear me! I am Dr. KMLC diagnosing a patient named KMLC for Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder? What's that? Is it some disease I get from going to different polar regions around the globe? Is it a virus I've acquired during a stay in North Pole? South Pole maybe? Nah, I haven't even got the chance to fly out of my country. Thanks to the internet, I have gathered facts about Bipolar Disorder. Ah, by the way, how'd I new about the term? It's complicated and stupid, and got my ass kicked by sexy cupid. I guess he wants to play. Play with my mood, personality and life. Oh, cupid, my dear. I'm not referring to love cupid, it's you pleasure! it's that pleasure I get when I'm happy, and the sorrow I get if I do not have you! It's that. The complication started somewhere during my high school years. I had a strange gut feeling about what's going on with my thoughts and actions. But the truth is, I read about it in a magazine....Home and Living Journal???...Whatever..So, there, BIPOLAR DISEASE..MOOD SWINGS...MANIC-DEPRESSIVE DISORDER...and blah blah...Since i was a reader, and i just love psychology, I skimmed through the pages and found out (Gasps), I am Bipolar! Then, I read in other resources, the best would be my Encyclopedias. And others.

From this URL http://ask.doctoroz.com/question/who-can-develop-bipolar-disorder

Bipolar disorder is a term that describes a major psychiatric problem with one's capacity to maintain a normal and stable mood. This term was in the past only used exclusively to describe those individuals whose problem with moodiness met a strict criterion - that is, they had to experience a major depressed mood for at least two weeks in duration alternating with episodes of abnormally high moods, called mania. Today, the term bipolar disorder is now frequently used to include those individuals who have irritability, and impulsive angry outbursts in addition to depression.

Symptoms:

During manic periods, people with bipolar disorder may:

• Be overly happy, hopeful, and excited
• Change suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile
• Behave in strange ways
• Become restless
• Talk rapidly
• Have a lot of energy and need very little sleep
• Believe they have many skills and powers and can do anything
• Make grand plans
• Show poor judgment and make impulsive, harmful decisions
• Become headstrong, annoying, or demanding
• Become easily distracted
• Abuse drugs and alcohol
• Have a much higher sex drive

During depressive periods, they may:

• Feel empty, sad, or hopeless
• Feel guilty, worthless, or helpless
• Cry often
• Lose interest in things they usually enjoy, including sex
• Be unable to think clearly, make decisions, or remember things
• Sleep poorly
• Lose or gain weight
• Have low energy
• Abuse drugs and alcohol
• Complain of headaches, stomach aches, and other pains
• Become focused on death
• Attempt suicide

Anyone can develop bipolar disorder, including children and teens. However, most people with bipolar disorder develop it in their late teen or early adult years. The illness usually lasts a lifetime.

(I hate this statement...A lifetime???? Gawd!!!)

See there, the criteria fits me so well! Almost perfectly! And to add, my mood swings sometimes interchange every other day.

I'm really thankful of my manic episodes, because those are the times of my great productivity. I write a lot, dream a lot, draw a lot, read a lot, talk a lot, and do a lot!!! it's my creativity to the fullest or slight. It's when I feel like nothing will go wrong, I don't care about obstacles, like "Come on baby! I ain't scared of ya!" "Alright! I can do this!" "Yeah, I will be the greatest cartoonist in the world! I will change the world! My name will soon be written in the encyclopedias! No dream is to far, it's in my hands!" Duh, super, I don't get enough sleep because of hyperactivity. And I'm easily angered, i bust out, exploding all the cuss words I know, even facing the person or the thing and cuss at them! And still, I don't care whatever happens after. Then, I forgot about it and proceed to my hobby and other grand plans.

Then, all of a sudden, my glittering hard-as-steel world shrinks into soft and limp veggies. Ah, another extreme cycle of depression. I felt like, "Gawd! I'm so stupid, so ugly, so worthless, so yucky, so dumb and stupid (did i mention it already?), so crazy, so unlovable, so damn my soul to hell! I hate this fucking life! I hate that homosexual-looking person in the mirror! Those ugly teeth, 1-liter coca cola body, drum-like belly, tomboyish attitude, slow pick-up neurons, and everything! Fuck this motherfucking shit! Whew, that was fun to read aloud! But no, 'cuz I'm in a manic mood today, I'm calling myself a gorgeous goddess, I am fabulous, sexy, sophisticated, intelligent (Who else could write lie this? You, moron? No. Me, only me), I can do whatever I want, I don't care about you and your opinion of me. keep it to yourself 'cuz I don't give a damn about it. I am great and forever will be. You will look up at me 'cuz I know I'm tall and my stance's so cool. Can you argue more?

Okay, I am in my depressed episode. I hurt myself, mutilate myself, bang my head on the wall, slap myself so hard in front of the mirror until my cheek turns scarlet, and laugh at myself while crying. I would put on outrageous make up and talk to myself in different voices and expressions in the mirror and tell myself how fucked up my life is, and how messed up I will be forever. I would advise myself to stay calm and strong, or the other would advise me to cut (again) my wrist, hit myself again and commit suicide. Oh, this isn't bipolar anymore...I think I'm now talking about my multiple personality. Anyway, they may be related to one another. What, am I bipolar with multiple personality? Great! I'll talk about that issue in another post.

This is the reason people would describe me "Funny, hyper, UNIQUE, moody, different, and the list goes on...." They tell me I'm different, weird, impulsive and unpredictable. Of course, even I couldn't predict when my cycle changes. I haven;'t really opened this up to many,. and to those whom I've shared this issue with, they brush it off telling me, you're normal..just different. It's not serious. Well, I say it is. If attempting suicide a serious problem for them, why not mine? It's much more than desiring to kill myself.

Until now, i still don't have any idea how i became this. What's the cause and what triggers my episodes. it just happen on its own, without warning. I just feel it one day, and woke up feeling the other the next day.

So that's about me. i have lots of experiences that would consider me crazy. But I'm not. I'm just Bipolar with multiple personalities. This is a serious disease they say, but while i'm in my Manic episode, it doesn't bother me. When i'm depressed, it does bother me a lot. The hell, it's ruining my life and relationships! Si today, I'm happy! I hope tomorrow will stay the same. No more cycles, please? It's difficult, I might be dead the morning after. So please have mercy on me sexy cupid!

I'm going gaga over this. :)

Yours truly,

Mistress Gaga

A Leap Beyond Normal

Nobody ever told me what being normal would really mean. I don't have the precise idea of it's nature, and how would I know? I don't think I'll ever know.

Does it seem normal being normal everyday? Or maybe it would be just on the person's own reality, that one she made for herself. In the eye of the people beyond her reality, she doesn't look any bit normal. She, in their own point of view, is extreme or maybe just a leap beyond normal. But if it's something beyond the boundary of normality then, therefore it's already on the edge of abnormality! In simple words, she is not normal. So what's the point? Do I want to know how it is to know what being normal is? Or do I just really want to know if I pass the test for abnormality? When I say "she" I mean "me", and to base from what I just stated, I am extreme or just a leap beyond normal, so what's the point again? The point is that I want you to know that I am not normal, in every sense and in every point of view. People see me and considered me weird, and I, too, consider myself different, though I always aim to fit in, I just couldn't. Why could'nt I? What is it that's wrong with me? Why can't I fit in? I'm not saying I'd want to fit in the whole cliche, but just somehow be part of a group of individuals who wouldn't see me weird or a step distant from their own mental stability. I'm feeling that there's something bad in me, that pulling negative force that drowns me to suffocation, that bad air that pollutes anybody who dared open the container, that deadly toxin that poisons a curious individual who would want to spill the liquid, and what's the purpose?! To kill me and those people that I want to be with? So that's it then, the simple answer to my stupid and pointless query.

By any abnormal circumstances, I am not allowed to be normal with any normal person in this normal world! Because I am not normal, and I live inside my not-so-normal world, along with all the unnatural negative forces which pulls me down and down to the utmost realm of abnormality.

What else is there to ponder upon? Nothing more! Enough of senseless questions that surely leads to pointless answers that makes no sense at all..

Call Me "yaas"

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Sanya is pretty, I always see her around at school.
She has a long waist-length hair, soft, and straight.
I envy her..But I also dislike her..
She has a nice body, with small hips and a full bosom.
Sanya is famous among the guys, she was always greeted by them..
What's enviable about her are her eyes, that seems to captivate the men everytime.
She is nice, kind, and sweet.
I like how she shows her care and concern for me as well as to others.
Sanya is the best, the best slut..
I tell her all the time, "yaas!!"
She just smile at me, says, "yeah, I am a slut, and you're still a nut!"
Oh, the bitch.
Then her phone rang, another hook?
She grinned, "I'm gonna suksumcuk..see ya honey! Ima better leave!"
Again, the bitch is gonna have a bitchy day..
Sanya, I hate her. The girl who's always with the guys making rounds.
Me, the innocent wholesome cute little virgin,
Though, she knows otherwise, She knows how bitchy I can be.
I'm not so good with men, I never had a steady boyfriend.
She never had a steady boyfriend either, and she has several.
What about me? I end up going out with strangers, then the devilish slut in me stirred.
Stirred until it hit my conciousness: "I ain't a csmfs like Sanya, and I ain't doing it ya bastard.."
And here comes women, oh, how gorgeous they are.
I am not like 'em not as appealing and hot like 'em.
Then, let me try on some of 'em hotness? why not?
Oh, no I can't!
So what?
I wanna be Sanya, And be called "Yaas!!"



................???????......baffled lady.......

~Vanity Cheré~

I am by myself, sitting among the fragrant flowers. Sunny it was, but the wind was cool. Contrasting both like my red polka dot skirt and my green striped blouse. A wonderful day, a peaceful meditation, but the devil is always around to twist reality; and what should be straight he delights to be crooked.

~

"Then, a gentle wind brushed to my nape.

I heard it hushed a word, unclear, droning together

with the buzzing of the bees.

I am hoarse, I am in worse;

But it hushed to still me, it kills me."

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"A moment has passed, and I am still dead;

The bees are near me, hoping for a sting;

Sting me, sting me, poison me to bed,

Oh dear me! I rest sedated, my mind chaotic."

~

"I would feel the cottony cushion of passion

I would savor the tasty juice of temptation

I would delight to the prick of a thorny rose

I would meet my destruction, a pathetic toast."

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"No, I do not revel in pleasure!

Nor would I desire such measure;

Things banish from existence, it will never remain for long;

It does not tarry inside a soul, tho you might believe otherwise.

If it does, tell me so!

And let me tell you the tale of a flame:

Little fiery flame appeared an instant,

With long and hardy candle for support,

But, he too, would melt and abandon fiery flame.

It might not be soon, even so,

Airy wind is somewhere, to blow away his flame."

~

"If it's pleasure you want, consider a whore

A wanton lady would fill you in during the night,

With whispers of indecency and lust for flesh

Take me as one, and I'll swear these to you no less.

I am no flower, I am no sweet;

This in me a dark chocolate and a sour treat."

~

Why put me to inquisition?

A hope for me to lie truth is vain.

I do not need beautifully wrapped presents, soft pillows to lie at sleep;

I would rather take a worn-out trash, a piece of wood to rest my head;

If it comes from you,

I trust not your wonders but those women might inside of men so dread."

~

I am fated, so never come near me. If it is to poison me then I welcome you. But if it is to heal me and leave me unattended, better pray for me benumbed. To revive me with a flux of elixir, from a mortal heart's sinful sensation, is to live in abaddon. An excruciating punishment to leash myself to, worst than to be left in seclusion inside a frozen temple, birth till death.

~

Delighted, the devil left again. the crook, the twisted, but my sedated mind still lingers on a peaceful conflict with bitter pleasures and deadly wonders.

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HavOc wiThiN

This is the worst topic I could ever write about at this point of my life..

It's like all the time, I get to like somebody..and for those moments, I thought I was in love, but the truth is, I wasn't.. and until such times that I could finally bear in my mind that I am so different from the common people, the average girls of my age, and females alike..I don't think I'm ever capable of loving and to be loved. I don't think I'm ever capable of showing my real feelings to somebody, and worst, I don't think I'm ever capable to be normal..

I've been alive in this universe for 18 calendar years already, but am I matured enough to handle this lack inside me? this yearning inside me?

Or am I matured enough to finally say now that I'm inlove with someone ?? I couldn't foresee when will I again tell myself that I am not and never have been in love..And I do hope that I might realize it someday.

I could never afford to lose again my sanity into something wonderful yet deceiving.. I will not let myself fall hopelessly into a hole of emptiness caused by lies and unrequited love..

This is not my fate..
and if ever I also deserve somebody to show to me a world totally different from the one I confined myself into, then, the heavens must be on my side! they must have felt humanly pity and mercy upon me..

I need more clarity, I need to see more thoroughly to my intentions,to have a better perception on things regarding this Havoc they call Love..

Gold Coins and Flowers

..is life crazy? is it beautiful? is it ugly? what's wrong with it??

..it's like forever, walking the path of gold, silver and brass...which is wonderful? the flowers along the road? or the gold coins on my feet?

..the sun and clounds up in the sky above my head, the ocean blue beyond my reach, can it be something of a hope for me? is it the doubt i feel inside each time i realize none of them is within my grasps?

..what else is there left for me in this universe? lonesome people along the road, meeting my eyes, waving their distress at me, hoping to find solace from someone who doesn't even know herself..or does she? their force of negativity attracting the senses of her..God, it must be her stupidity or ignorance perhaps?

..tell them, they're not alone..behind those smiles and laughter, hides the true face of helplessness..it's her, the one who hasn't yet come out of her shell..

..why is she still afraid of the world? when hurt hits her, can't she even move on? what is it like to be tied up in your guilts and resentments? is it her fault that she thinks she is a failure? that no good piece of a crap..

..she can't help it, maybe..but the world is such a big place, and she's only one person, small ang fickle..very futile..what else can she do? she's on her own..

..where's her family? dunno...the real ones? no idea..

..where's her friends? dunno..the real ones? no idea..no permanence perhaps..

..where's her inspirations? dunno..the real ones? no idea..left her perhaps..

..does she ever had someone to love? and love her in return? ..i don't think so..

..she never had the right persons - always..men? it's easy to find them, they're anywhere, and is for somebody not for her..always in vain..always closed from them..bestfriends? so pathetic, i'll tell you none..think she got her? she was never been the bestfriend though she always wanted to be one..

..she was giving, friendly, caring, helpful,kind and understanding..but did anybody see that?? no..nobody ever payed attention to this poor soul..i guess it'll always be like that..never changing..stupid, pathetic, pitiful but true..and all she got to do is to accept it, just be strong though she knows how hard it is..it might be the only way to hide her misery, don't tell anyone your agony, no one will ever listen and understand, because your on your own..

..unfortunate of you..you had good qualities but they're a waste, no one will ever appreciate them..only you and i can see it..just try to be happy, i know your not..still, it's ok..be strong..