Rukiyuki Puzzle

I came from being Killua to Rukawa to Chaos to Goddess to Cherry blossom to Kiyuki Meili Chizuko to Diamond Stone to Aurora Caelestis to Mistress Gaga to Rukiyuki.

I am multiple in personality, having many faces, numerous identity.

Let me then give you the main fractions of my being:

From Anonymity, I became Gravity, From Gravity, I returned to Anonymity, And from Anonymity, I was pulled back to Gravity.

Anonymity. For once, I was unknown, I never had a name, a real identity, or

was I ever an entity once?

I am someone you will never know, exact and specific.

Gravity. There was this great force which pulled me into its swirl of energy.

It was Gravity.

Lost in anonymity, I found Gravity, pulling me back to the ground of existence, pulling me back to the abyss of my soul, my real soul.

There I found,

a pond of emotions,

of different faces,

of different entities.

Ah, is this me?

is this my soul?

Why, I am not just one, I am many. It was like walking into a wardrobe of various colors and designs, it was extraordinary.

I learned now that I can easily grab one mask and wear it on occasion, I now learned it was not my curse, it was actually what made me special, what made me exquisitely rare. so, now, why would I bother, fret over if people don't like me? if they couldn't understand me? if they choose to mock me?

I now thought,

maybe it was really my intention to confuse people,

to deviate them from my truth.

Maybe...

I always enjoyed playing their minds,

...tricks and stones...

I was a good puzzle...

...that I almost fooled even myself of the reality...

I Can't Keep Smiling Forever

Just like what they always say, "If you have problems, better keep them to yourself. People don't care about your problems, anyway."

We are not alike, in any way, we differ a lot. But I guess, they're really right in accusing me as indifferent. In fact I am indifferent, that's why I'm so distant from everybody, including those I learned to love, but who doesn't even see me worthwhile.

I have always tried to please, because what I wanted was to simply have someone that I can call my bestfriend. If to have a bestfriend an impossible dream, I can settle for a mere friend.

Tell me, is it my fault that I am too indifferent? Should you blame me for not being too showy of my feelings?

When I say that I treasure you so much, I sincerely do. If I give you a present, a hug or a smile, it is genuine. They say I'm plastic, a liar, a hypocrite. Heaven knows how it stung. I was never plastic, liar, and a hypocrite. They often misunderstood me, and my efforts to please and make my friends feel good goes in vain. It hurts to see them all together, it hurts to hear them utter words that I never heard as a friend, and it hurts to know that you are nothing compared to the other bestfriends.

Why am I always in the least? Someone least intelligent, least kind, least adorable, least loving, least careful, least funny, least beautiful, least talented, least friendly, least noticed, least rememered, least mentioned, and the least special?

I always bear in mind to make everybody feel happy and special. Their good is one of my biggest concerns. I don't care if they laugh at me, insult me, as long as I get to hear just one single statement from them..."You are so special to me." But what do I receive in return? Nothing. If there is something, it's "You are stupid."

I just want to be someone special. I just want somebody to know I'm here, to acknowledge that I'm loving not indifferent, and to be my bestfriend. It's just so simple, isn't it?

Now, I don't think I can keep smiling forever.

A Cycle of Mania and Depression

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Today, I want to be my own doctor. what kind of doctor? Hmm...Maybe a Psychologist or better, a Psychiatrist. Supposing I took a course on psychiatric medicine and is now diagnosing a patient. And who's the patient? Me, of course! Who else but me! Me! Me! Me! My dear me! I am Dr. KMLC diagnosing a patient named KMLC for Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder? What's that? Is it some disease I get from going to different polar regions around the globe? Is it a virus I've acquired during a stay in North Pole? South Pole maybe? Nah, I haven't even got the chance to fly out of my country. Thanks to the internet, I have gathered facts about Bipolar Disorder. Ah, by the way, how'd I new about the term? It's complicated and stupid, and got my ass kicked by sexy cupid. I guess he wants to play. Play with my mood, personality and life. Oh, cupid, my dear. I'm not referring to love cupid, it's you pleasure! it's that pleasure I get when I'm happy, and the sorrow I get if I do not have you! It's that. The complication started somewhere during my high school years. I had a strange gut feeling about what's going on with my thoughts and actions. But the truth is, I read about it in a magazine....Home and Living Journal???...Whatever..So, there, BIPOLAR DISEASE..MOOD SWINGS...MANIC-DEPRESSIVE DISORDER...and blah blah...Since i was a reader, and i just love psychology, I skimmed through the pages and found out (Gasps), I am Bipolar! Then, I read in other resources, the best would be my Encyclopedias. And others.

From this URL http://ask.doctoroz.com/question/who-can-develop-bipolar-disorder

Bipolar disorder is a term that describes a major psychiatric problem with one's capacity to maintain a normal and stable mood. This term was in the past only used exclusively to describe those individuals whose problem with moodiness met a strict criterion - that is, they had to experience a major depressed mood for at least two weeks in duration alternating with episodes of abnormally high moods, called mania. Today, the term bipolar disorder is now frequently used to include those individuals who have irritability, and impulsive angry outbursts in addition to depression.

Symptoms:

During manic periods, people with bipolar disorder may:

• Be overly happy, hopeful, and excited
• Change suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile
• Behave in strange ways
• Become restless
• Talk rapidly
• Have a lot of energy and need very little sleep
• Believe they have many skills and powers and can do anything
• Make grand plans
• Show poor judgment and make impulsive, harmful decisions
• Become headstrong, annoying, or demanding
• Become easily distracted
• Abuse drugs and alcohol
• Have a much higher sex drive

During depressive periods, they may:

• Feel empty, sad, or hopeless
• Feel guilty, worthless, or helpless
• Cry often
• Lose interest in things they usually enjoy, including sex
• Be unable to think clearly, make decisions, or remember things
• Sleep poorly
• Lose or gain weight
• Have low energy
• Abuse drugs and alcohol
• Complain of headaches, stomach aches, and other pains
• Become focused on death
• Attempt suicide

Anyone can develop bipolar disorder, including children and teens. However, most people with bipolar disorder develop it in their late teen or early adult years. The illness usually lasts a lifetime.

(I hate this statement...A lifetime???? Gawd!!!)

See there, the criteria fits me so well! Almost perfectly! And to add, my mood swings sometimes interchange every other day.

I'm really thankful of my manic episodes, because those are the times of my great productivity. I write a lot, dream a lot, draw a lot, read a lot, talk a lot, and do a lot!!! it's my creativity to the fullest or slight. It's when I feel like nothing will go wrong, I don't care about obstacles, like "Come on baby! I ain't scared of ya!" "Alright! I can do this!" "Yeah, I will be the greatest cartoonist in the world! I will change the world! My name will soon be written in the encyclopedias! No dream is to far, it's in my hands!" Duh, super, I don't get enough sleep because of hyperactivity. And I'm easily angered, i bust out, exploding all the cuss words I know, even facing the person or the thing and cuss at them! And still, I don't care whatever happens after. Then, I forgot about it and proceed to my hobby and other grand plans.

Then, all of a sudden, my glittering hard-as-steel world shrinks into soft and limp veggies. Ah, another extreme cycle of depression. I felt like, "Gawd! I'm so stupid, so ugly, so worthless, so yucky, so dumb and stupid (did i mention it already?), so crazy, so unlovable, so damn my soul to hell! I hate this fucking life! I hate that homosexual-looking person in the mirror! Those ugly teeth, 1-liter coca cola body, drum-like belly, tomboyish attitude, slow pick-up neurons, and everything! Fuck this motherfucking shit! Whew, that was fun to read aloud! But no, 'cuz I'm in a manic mood today, I'm calling myself a gorgeous goddess, I am fabulous, sexy, sophisticated, intelligent (Who else could write lie this? You, moron? No. Me, only me), I can do whatever I want, I don't care about you and your opinion of me. keep it to yourself 'cuz I don't give a damn about it. I am great and forever will be. You will look up at me 'cuz I know I'm tall and my stance's so cool. Can you argue more?

Okay, I am in my depressed episode. I hurt myself, mutilate myself, bang my head on the wall, slap myself so hard in front of the mirror until my cheek turns scarlet, and laugh at myself while crying. I would put on outrageous make up and talk to myself in different voices and expressions in the mirror and tell myself how fucked up my life is, and how messed up I will be forever. I would advise myself to stay calm and strong, or the other would advise me to cut (again) my wrist, hit myself again and commit suicide. Oh, this isn't bipolar anymore...I think I'm now talking about my multiple personality. Anyway, they may be related to one another. What, am I bipolar with multiple personality? Great! I'll talk about that issue in another post.

This is the reason people would describe me "Funny, hyper, UNIQUE, moody, different, and the list goes on...." They tell me I'm different, weird, impulsive and unpredictable. Of course, even I couldn't predict when my cycle changes. I haven;'t really opened this up to many,. and to those whom I've shared this issue with, they brush it off telling me, you're normal..just different. It's not serious. Well, I say it is. If attempting suicide a serious problem for them, why not mine? It's much more than desiring to kill myself.

Until now, i still don't have any idea how i became this. What's the cause and what triggers my episodes. it just happen on its own, without warning. I just feel it one day, and woke up feeling the other the next day.

So that's about me. i have lots of experiences that would consider me crazy. But I'm not. I'm just Bipolar with multiple personalities. This is a serious disease they say, but while i'm in my Manic episode, it doesn't bother me. When i'm depressed, it does bother me a lot. The hell, it's ruining my life and relationships! Si today, I'm happy! I hope tomorrow will stay the same. No more cycles, please? It's difficult, I might be dead the morning after. So please have mercy on me sexy cupid!

I'm going gaga over this. :)

Yours truly,

Mistress Gaga

In Other Words

Wahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Akala niyo kayo lang ang me bagong post ha?? Wahahahaha! Ako din! Eto o.....

"Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence." -William Henry

To begin with, allow me to introduce myself. I am D3*67 Mistress Gaga, from the Poka race in the farthest region of the planet Badmouth, located in the Andromeda galaxy. It is a great opportunity for me to able to meet the Human race of the planet Earth, to mingle with these kind and beautiful people.

They have befriended me, welcomed me warmly to their place. And I, with all my heart accepted their invitation. However differences will always be differences.

It is really difficult to cope up with the changing and strange happenings I've experienced here on Earth. Despite the happy memories I had with Humanity, there was a backlash to my being an alien. My culture is far way different than them. My personality which was richly nurtured from my own people, the Pokans, became disastrous when I decided to cohabit with the Humans for a little longer.

Back home, my race was blessed with the gift of the gab, we were extraordinarily best in our facility of language. Communication was never a problem for us. It was always our tradition to use our voices, the greatest gifts from the Most Intelligent Being. It is considered a taboo to refrain from talking, however for morality's sake, none was allowed to speak lies, but only the truth. We were always honest and frank of our doings and feelings, making it a lot more easier to converse, heal, learn, and be informed.

The word speechless is never found in our dictionary, so when I get to study a language subject on Earth, I was flabbergasted when a classmate replied, "I'm speechless" when the teacher threw a question. Another phrase I would never forget from hearing my Human friends talk is, "No comment!" The Pokans would either kick me in the shin or slap me thrice if I won't say anything when I am asked, though it had never happened and it never will.

Words can either hurt or heal. It's true, but at the endpoint of every thing that has been said, words are still the best healer. When we're hurt just a comfort of a friend's little words lightens, when we need assurance, a simple OK suffices. So being hurt is just a part of the process of healing. Let me remind you that hurt is temporary, if you've been hurt by barbed words, take it easy, it's not intended to kill you in an instant. Like barbed wires, barbed words are meant to warn you. It means caution.

Speaking the truth is just as important as breathing fresh air. It was a culture I've acquired from my people to never take back what you've said. Your words are the language not just of your mind but of your emotion and your soul. We are not afraid to speak, because we know, we are talking only of the truth, and are concern of only the truth.

It was also odd for Humans to take in deeply the words said, as if each and every letter in their alphabet was toxic that it needs care in handling when spilled. They believe in regret, especially in saying something bad. Human Beings are so inclined into saying good things, whether it's the truth or what they so-call white lie. You had to be careful not to say something bad, for it may hurt the person, even if you think it's the truth. On the other hand, Pokans talk like there's no tomorrow, they talk as if every second is precious. So whatever comes out from their mouths are really what they think, feel and believe...in that moment.

I told a story yesterday, and I surprised you today with a contradicting story, so don't be shocked to hear me talk another different story tomorrow...that's how we are. That's how Mistress Gaga is.

However I talk, I only speak the truth, of what I see or hear is true, of what I believe and prove to be true. Opportunities, words, and time are three things you can never take back. I take responsibility of the consequences of spending each one, in any way, and I have no regrets.

Love me or hate me...

Yours truly,

..........Mistress Gaga

Wahahahahaha...may new post na ako! Wahahahaha!

I am different from you..I am who i am..I am the person you do not know and will never know...For I am someone without identity..I show my reaL seLf to the worLd..Yet the reaLity which is hidden from everyone who stares at me..They see the different...They see the unreaL...They see not me but the one they expect to be me..I taLk a Lot..But i speak onLy one thing..Yet peopLe hear different meanings..But i dont know if there's anyone who Listens carefuLLy..I move careLessLy and with no direction...and no one should care..I am free and happy...Though my Life can't bear...Is what you see in me reaL or fake??Am i HAppy or is it my facade?Think whatever..No one is perfect..Don't brand me somebody...Nor expect anything from me...

..I am the CHANGE that forever will be UNCHANGED..

Leave if Ye wish

Leave if ye wish, I will not hinder ye;
Be gone if ye fancy all such grace brought to yer knee;
I lost not sight only but feelings might be,
To leave me cower'd, breathless of yer stand;
And pray tell, my man, of grace and glee
How swell is yer flight, fare well homeland!

No mouth nor tongue may twist with gentleness
Of words from a lady whom adores ye no less;
Ye hath boast'd ye'r a May of erudition,
To ken such wit of ye, need not delve to reason.
Peace in ye, appearance that to Him dost owe;
Beauty in ye, shall Dionysius wrath be fall in tow,
Strength in ye, hath shaketh the prowess in me;
Behold, I shall forget not the mem'rie,
Nay, verily recount til soul leaveth mine body.

Lasting passion for ye, good bye 'tis not the word,
Away! to the mystery of the morrow;
Whilst I ken hows't to hear the Lord,
I can nay be gay to bid mine fare well to sorrow!

HavOc wiThiN

This is the worst topic I could ever write about at this point of my life..

It's like all the time, I get to like somebody..and for those moments, I thought I was in love, but the truth is, I wasn't.. and until such times that I could finally bear in my mind that I am so different from the common people, the average girls of my age, and females alike..I don't think I'm ever capable of loving and to be loved. I don't think I'm ever capable of showing my real feelings to somebody, and worst, I don't think I'm ever capable to be normal..

I've been alive in this universe for 18 calendar years already, but am I matured enough to handle this lack inside me? this yearning inside me?

Or am I matured enough to finally say now that I'm inlove with someone ?? I couldn't foresee when will I again tell myself that I am not and never have been in love..And I do hope that I might realize it someday.

I could never afford to lose again my sanity into something wonderful yet deceiving.. I will not let myself fall hopelessly into a hole of emptiness caused by lies and unrequited love..

This is not my fate..
and if ever I also deserve somebody to show to me a world totally different from the one I confined myself into, then, the heavens must be on my side! they must have felt humanly pity and mercy upon me..

I need more clarity, I need to see more thoroughly to my intentions,to have a better perception on things regarding this Havoc they call Love..

kUng waLa ka kuwenta...DONT READ THIS!

...para Lang 'to sa mga may kuwenta!!!
...kita nio yang Lantern??
.............ano ma'feeL nio sa picture???
...ganda noh?
....kung gusto niO ang picture...may kuwenta ka nga!!
....heheheh....
....kung may kuwenta kah...marunong kang mag'appreciate sa kahit na maLiLiit na bagay sa mundo....may it be a bug or even a Leaf faLLen from an oLd tree...waLang bagay sa mundo ang waLang kuwenta...so, sorry sa mga hindi nagkaroon ng tapang na basahin ang post ko nah ito...gusto ko Lang ipaabot sa ibang mga niLaLang out there nah masaya ang buhay! haay....tsaka sa mga nang'aapi ng iba...may it be mga 'sapat' or i mean mga hayop...o mga tao...sa mga paLaging gaLit at mapanakit at mapanira....appreciate things pLease??? pahaLagahan niO ang mga bagay-bagay, ok? pahaLagahan anio rin saRiLi nio...Love yourseLf coz your beautifuL...kahit obvious naman ang ang physicaL beauty mo, hehehe....feeL beautifuL parin...
"you have worth if you know how to appreciate, even the smaLLest things..."