“I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”


Takeshi Shudo
Showing posts with label kinjie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kinjie. Show all posts

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Rukiyuki Puzzle

I came from being Killua to Rukawa to Chaos to Goddess to Cherry blossom to Kiyuki Meili Chizuko to Diamond Stone to Aurora Caelestis to Mistress Gaga to Rukiyuki.
I am multiple in personality, having many faces, numerous identity.

Let me then give you the main fractions of my being:


From Anonymity, I became Gravity, From Gravity, I returned to Anonymity, And from Anonymity, I was pulled back to Gravity.


Anonymity. For once, I was unknown, I never had a name, a real identity, or
was I ever an entity once?
I am someone you will never know, exact and specific.


Gravity. There was this great force which pulled me into its swirl of energy.
It was Gravity.
Lost in anonymity, I found Gravity, pulling me back to the ground of existence, pulling me back to the abyss of my soul, my real soul.


There I found,
a pond of emotions,
of different faces,
of different entities.

Ah, is this me?
is this my soul?
Why, I am not just one, I am many. It was like walking into a wardrobe of various colors and designs, it was extraordinary.

I learned now that I can easily grab one mask and wear it on occasion, I now learned it was not my curse, it was actually what made me special, what made me exquisitely rare. so, now, why would I bother, fret over if people don't like me? if they couldn't understand me? if they choose to mock me?

I now thought,
maybe it was really my intention to confuse people,
to deviate them from my truth.

Maybe...
I always enjoyed playing their minds,

...tricks and stones...

I was a good puzzle...
...that I almost fooled even myself of the reality...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Pumpkin Dream





To see a pumpkin in your dream implies openness and receptiveness to new ideas and experiences. A pumpkin is also symbolic of the female sexuality. Alternately, it may relate to the popular fairy tale of Cinderella where a carriage turns back into a pumpkin. In this regard, it may represent some situation in which time is running out.

The comfort room was indeed a comfort for my vanity and me. I went in and out of every restroom found in the campus as often as was possible. I looked through each wide mirror and saw myself, my make-up getting smudgy again. For numerous times I couldn’t even count, I retouched. I fixed my coif and outfit; sprayed my perfume excessively that I wrinkled my nose from the strong scent, to make sure it’ll linger in every corridor I walked. Then, I flashed my most alluring smile at the beautiful reflection.

As I walked through the hallway, a meddlesome pack of rowdy boys kept on making noise and hooting like wild monkeys.

“Woah, Nell’s coming!”

“Hurry, here she comes!”

“Sexy chick . . . Whew!”

“Yeah, dude!”

“Man, smells so sweet!”

I strut my walk, swayed my hips, my intoxicating fragrance oozing for them to inhale and bewilder their masculine imaginations. They followed me, intentionally bumping into each other, though pretending otherwise as if our meeting was just mere coincidence. However, my vanity and I knows better. I flirted like a butterfly finding its mate. Instinctively, my Pheromones were enough to entice these sexual swarms into the cavities of my hive, or were I the one victimized by circumstances?

After school hours, I waited for Uncle Ton to fetch me. On his motor scooter, we rode the streets, and again, by some unfortunate turn of events, I encountered the jeering rascals I have mentioned before.

“Nell!”

It was my cousin Claire, who called. She was with those raucous men. I didn’t know she’s acquainted with the monkeys. It’s kinda weird, but from this distance, I think I heard someone from the group asked her, “Is she already married? That her husband?”

Pish. Do I look like a jade to them already? They’re unbelievable—considering how pretty I look! Of course, I’m not ashamed to say that in the least. It is a fact.

“No! That’s not her husband, it’s our Uncle.”

Uncle Ton dropped me then and there. Claire approached me, and following her was a man I fairly recognized.

“Nell, this is Klein. “

“Oh, hi!” I remember him way back in college. He was Claire’s classmate and was 3 years my senior.

“He wants to talk with you. Something he needs to tell you.”

By that, Klein shyly smiled, but still managed to look at me straight in the eyes with rather sincere intentions. We led ourselves into an amusement park. By the entrance was my mother. She was smiling as if knowing who Klein was and his purpose with me, though they haven’t even met yet. Throughout the time we were with Claire, she nagged Klein nonstop to tell me whatever it was he needed to tell me.

“Not now, we’ll save it later.”

Ah! He wanted to speak with me in private, which I found very flattering—a man saving his words just for me—and only for me!

“Woah! Pumpkin trees?!” I was totally amazed when we passed by a row of Pumpkin trees.

“Looks like it, and real Pumpkin trees, I guess,” he was amazed just the same.

“Oh My! Klein, the pumpkins have faces!” I pointed at the huge trees with large orange gourds hanging on each bough.

“Hah! Like Jack-O-Lanterns . . . Aww! What the—”

Before I could turn to him, a hard thing hit me, “Ouch!” To my astonishment, the Pumpkins were hurling themselves at Klein and me.

“Ow! Don’t worry, Nell! I can handle these feisty Jack-O-Lanterns! Hehe,” he smiled at the possible heroic deed. Whilst Klein was trying to protect me by willingly catching every Pumpkin that fell, I did my best to avoid them. I didn’t need to bother myself of catching those crazy bigger-than-my-head Jack-O-Lanterns. As the hurling Pumpkins took pleasure in exhausting our energies, both of us enjoyed the magical weirdness of that afternoon.

A certain game at the amusement park caught my cousin’s attention. She busied herself together with the gamekeeper, and whatever the game was, I had no idea.

Klein grinned. We felt a surge of hope and excitement. We couldn’t wait to flee from my cousin’s company and finally have our lone time together.

“Claire, Nell and I’ll be strolling around. Are you coming with us?”

“I’m okay here . . . I’ll see you two later.”

“So, shall we go?”

I nodded in accord. We were in a merry mood, everything felt warm, light and carefree. Neither of us was too frugal of smiles and laughs—a cheerful pair of youth. Later, we stopped by an area for restaurants, UK’s, cafes, souvenir shops, and other business stalls. We found a nice cafĂ© to have some snack, and on a small roundtable for two, we sat facing each other.

“You’re really funny, Nell. You never change.”

“Funny or crazy?”

“A doze of both, maybe.”

I laughed, “Or too much of the latter?” I puckered and puffed my cheeks like a fish.

“That’s cute, Nelly.”

“Ooh, you find being crazy cute, eh? That’s dangerous. Tsk tsk!”

“Why’s that?”

“You’re risking yourself to the hazard of a potential contagion.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“You might get it, too, you know.”

Klein laughed at my childlike logic. “I trained once in a psychiatric ward, Nell. Obviously, I’m still sane, am I not?”

“I’m not your typical psycho patient, sir.”

“Of course, you’re not. Actually, you’re—should I say worse? Or better?”

I frowned.

“You’re waaaay better. They’re not as pretty, as smart and as funny as you.”

I beamed. He winked at the reaction.

“But . . .”

Now, I glowered, “Yes?”

“But . . . you’re worse in a special way.”

I tossed my head on the side.

“Your craziness gets me hooked, and I feel like I would want to bear with you for the rest of the day.”

“Oh, talks,” I beamed again.

“I’m being honest here, I’m not just flattering you.”

“Ha-ha! I appreciate the compliment, sir . . . So, how’s life by the way?”

“I’m working in a hospital in the city. A little busy, and I’m doing night shift lately. I’m fine with my current job, but not as fun as being in school.”

“That’s also why I’m still stuck with our dear Alma Mater . . . can’t get enough of Mr. President, FMS, you see.”

He chuckled, “Mr. President, FMS, huh? Have you been rummaging his office lately?”

“Oh. No! I wouldn’t ever dare do that! I’m only a Hallway Celebrity!” I posed for an imaginary photo shoot.

“Ha-ha! I can still remember you were that bubbly, charming young woman at school, either always deep in lively conversations with people, or running through the hallways greeting and waving at familiar faces—or whomever you encounter.”

“Weh? That’s a lie! Was I that disruptive to classes?”

He chuckled, “You were quite amusing.”

“What can I do, maybe I’ll always be a child.”

“A child at heart, huh? Very adorable.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Aye, Nell . . . and that’s why I like you.”

I went speechless. Stunned, I stared at him in disbelief.

“I have always liked you, Nell.”

A little smile curved my lips. “Klein!” in vain, I tried to deny what I’ve just heard.

“I find you pretty and very interesting.”

“You do?” I asked half-pleased, half-mockingly.

He nodded, “I do. Nell, and I want to know you better.”

To know me better. What good is there to know about me? He is sincerely asking for it. I now he sees something in me I never saw myself, and of which I always feared to discover.

“. . . and how it is to be with your company.”

I could only smile.


“People say that love is in the air. Until now, I’m still breathing. Yet I’m still single.” Sighs.

The beautiful face in the mirror looked weary. Her eyes may be in colorful shades, her full red lips parted, her cheeks rouged to blush like a shy little girl of seven, but the hollows of her eyes defied the theatrical appearance she tried to portray.

“Maybe they’ll look good in violet contacts. I should get a pair one day.”

Vanity and I left our “comfort” room and made our way to the busy hallway, my Halliwood Walk of Fame, as what I personally call it.

“Nell Honey!”

“Honey Bee! I missed you so much!” we kissed each other’s cheeks. Her name’s Beryl, my beautiful and ever loyal bff. Our friendship started during our first year in college, we were classmates and we never expected we’d be this close after just a year. I was the playful youth, and she was the mother-like nymph. If I was Vanity, she was Lust. If I was Avarice, she was Gluttony. The two of us, I would call “The Sin Sisters”. We shared the same values in life: to be beautiful, to be desired, to own, to indulge. But Honey Bee was better a sinner than me, I the worst. In reality, she is always better, and I accept it though bitterly because I know a credible and honest witness to our comparison. The Great Mirror who, like the witch in Snow White, shows to me who truly the fairest is.

I loved Beryl, too much than to stain our friendship with my vulnerability. She understands me when I couldn’t understand myself, and she accepted me despite and in spite of my demented mental state.

“The other girls are in the garden, they miss you!” she held my hands and led me to where our friends are. As was usual, we had our bonding session in the garden; sharing about the latest news on our daily romances, family issues, beauty secrets, and all those juicy gossips about other people.

“He asked me out! How about you, Nell?’

“Huh, me? Duh, I’d rather be with you guys, than be with them guys!”

“That’s sweet Nelly Honey!”

“Of course Honey Bee. My friends always come first.”

In my head, I recited my favorite friendship lyric:

My Friends comes first. yes, they could still be life's worst.

We would laugh, play silly stuff

But, when my girlfriends get played, I'm gonna slit the player's throat.

When my boyfriends get dumped, I'm gonna run trim out her lashes.

Men won't have me better than my friends,

they are no good, compared to my bestfriends.

Boy, you may have me, but, when worse comes to worst,

My friends comes first!!!

“When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”

“Three years ago? Uh—no, I never had one. I never considered those past fling partners to be my boyfriends.”

“But you called them boyfriends, anyway?”

“Fling partners they better be called.”

“You don’t have any plans of looking for a new one soon?”

Darn. I always have. What a stupid question.

“You see, Nell prefers one-night stands and multiple partners.”

“Ha-ha. You got me there, Joan.”

“Better be careful, Nell Honey.”

“Oh, yeah, I never forgot. Don’t worry Beryl. Ha-ha!”

“Why what’s that?”

“For everybody’s knowledge, Nell has a Pledge of Purity. Right, Nell Honey?”

I grinned.

“Wow, we didn’t know staying virgin’s still in. ‘till when d’you intend to keep it, then?”

”Until her 20th birthday.”

They all guffawed at the idea. How can I blame them? They’re all too stupid not to understand the importance of the pledge. Pitiful, they’re already too stained that what they can only do is to mock my difference from them. Except Honey Bee. Though Beryl was one of those “experienced” young women, I never felt any disgust for her. Maybe because we’ve been friends for years now, or because of the fact that she only gives herself to a man she loves, no matter how many they had been. Thus, she earned my respect. Unlike me, I engaged myself to making out with strangers, shamelessly flirting with men and leaving them all hanging in the air at the end. And I thought I was acting the right way all along. I was wrong. I saw myself as something to be desired, to be used, to be eaten away by lust, like a host so to purge out love and affection from her parasites. Like the bloodsucking mosquitoes, who loved to feast on me—literally. Scientifically speaking, my delicious Pheromones and high level of estrogen were actually the culprits as to why the male species or the mosquitoes chose to devour me. Love. Lust. They go hand in hand don’t they? But, whichever, I want them both—fiercely.

“Gawd, you’re near!”

“Yeah, and I couldn’t wait!”

“Say that again, Nell! You think it’s that simple?”

“Hush, Beryl, I’m joking.”

“I thought you’re going to do it with a total stranger?” Joan was the one to ask.

“Yup, either that or—“

“She’ll do it with the man who loves her.” Beryl finished for me.

“But you don’t have a boyfriend.”

Ouch. You need not to say that.

“Don’t worry Nelly Honey. The right guy will come, maybe sooner than you expected.”

“I know Honey Bee. Anyway, I’m not the only one feeling bad of not finding my man yet. I’m sure he’s feeling just as bad as I am of not finding me soon either.”

“He absolutely is!”

I wonder if he really is getting impatient of not meeting me yet. Then, I also wonder if “he” really does exist for me.

“Excuse me.” I headed for the comfort room for another vanity check. I looked through each wide mirror and saw myself, my make-up getting smudgy again. For numerous times I couldn’t even count, I retouched. I fixed my coif and outfit; sprayed my perfume excessively that I wrinkled my nose from the strong scent, so to let it linger in the air as I pass by. Then, I flashed my most alluring smile at the beautiful reflection.

“People say that love is in the air. No wonder I’m suffocating, like inhaling carbon dioxide instead of oxygen. Maybe that’s why I’m still single, I have to experience love the other way around.”


Cinderella, Cinderella. Lucky you, you rode a beautiful carriage made of pumpkin, and still found your prince charming. Nelly, Nelly. Pumpkins are already hurling themselves at you, isn’t that demanding? Good thing he's there to catch those crazy Jack-O-Lanterns for you.

Bah! Fairy tale talks. I am already a woman in physique, yet a child still at heart...

And that’s why I like you, Nell.

I could only smile.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

A Cycle of Mania and Depression

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Today, I want to be my own doctor. what kind of doctor? Hmm...Maybe a Psychologist or better, a Psychiatrist. Supposing I took a course on psychiatric medicine and is now diagnosing a patient. And who's the patient? Me, of course! Who else but me! Me! Me! Me! My dear me! I am Dr. KMLC diagnosing a patient named KMLC for Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar Disorder? What's that? Is it some disease I get from going to different polar regions around the globe? Is it a virus I've acquired during a stay in North Pole? South Pole maybe? Nah, I haven't even got the chance to fly out of my country. Thanks to the internet, I have gathered facts about Bipolar Disorder. Ah, by the way, how'd I new about the term? It's complicated and stupid, and got my ass kicked by sexy cupid. I guess he wants to play. Play with my mood, personality and life. Oh, cupid, my dear. I'm not referring to love cupid, it's you pleasure! it's that pleasure I get when I'm happy, and the sorrow I get if I do not have you! It's that. The complication started somewhere during my high school years. I had a strange gut feeling about what's going on with my thoughts and actions. But the truth is, I read about it in a magazine....Home and Living Journal???...Whatever..So, there, BIPOLAR DISEASE..MOOD SWINGS...MANIC-DEPRESSIVE DISORDER...and blah blah...Since i was a reader, and i just love psychology, I skimmed through the pages and found out (Gasps), I am Bipolar! Then, I read in other resources, the best would be my Encyclopedias. And others.


Bipolar disorder is a term that describes a major psychiatric problem with one's capacity to maintain a normal and stable mood. This term was in the past only used exclusively to describe those individuals whose problem with moodiness met a strict criterion - that is, they had to experience a major depressed mood for at least two weeks in duration alternating with episodes of abnormally high moods, called mania. Today, the term bipolar disorder is now frequently used to include those individuals who have irritability, and impulsive angry outbursts in addition to depression.

Symptoms:

During manic periods, people with bipolar disorder may:
  • Be overly happy, hopeful, and excited
  • Change suddenly from being joyful to being angry and hostile
  • Behave in strange ways
  • Become restless
  • Talk rapidly
  • Have a lot of energy and need very little sleep
  • Believe they have many skills and powers and can do anything
  • Make grand plans
  • Show poor judgment and make impulsive, harmful decisions
  • Become headstrong, annoying, or demanding
  • Become easily distracted
  • Abuse drugs and alcohol
  • Have a much higher sex drive

During depressive periods, they may:
  • Feel empty, sad, or hopeless
  • Feel guilty, worthless, or helpless
  • Cry often
  • Lose interest in things they usually enjoy, including sex
  • Be unable to think clearly, make decisions, or remember things
  • Sleep poorly
  • Lose or gain weight
  • Have low energy
  • Abuse drugs and alcohol
  • Complain of headaches, stomach aches, and other pains
  • Become focused on death
  • Attempt suicide
Anyone can develop bipolar disorder, including children and teens. However, most people with bipolar disorder develop it in their late teen or early adult years. The illness usually lasts a lifetime.
(I hate this statement...A lifetime???? Gawd!!!)

See there, the criteria fits me so well! Almost perfectly! And to add, my mood swings sometimes interchange every other day.
I'm really thankful of my manic episodes, because those are the times of my great productivity. I write a lot, dream a lot, draw a lot, read a lot, talk a lot, and do a lot!!! it's my creativity to the fullest or slight. It's when I feel like nothing will go wrong, I don't care about obstacles, like "Come on baby! I ain't scared of ya!" "Alright! I can do this!" "Yeah, I will be the greatest cartoonist in the world! I will change the world! My name will soon be written in the encyclopedias! No dream is to far, it's in my hands!" Duh, super, I don't get enough sleep because of hyperactivity. And I'm easily angered, i bust out, exploding all the cuss words I know, even facing the person or the thing and cuss at them! And still, I don't care whatever happens after. Then, I forgot about it and proceed to my hobby and other grand plans.

Then, all of a sudden, my glittering hard-as-steel world shrinks into soft and limp veggies. Ah, another extreme cycle of depression. I felt like, "Gawd! I'm so stupid, so ugly, so worthless, so yucky, so dumb and stupid (did i mention it already?), so crazy, so unlovable, so damn my soul to hell! I hate this fucking life! I hate that homosexual-looking person in the mirror! Those ugly teeth, 1-liter coca cola body, drum-like belly, tomboyish attitude, slow pick-up neurons, and everything! Fuck this motherfucking shit! Whew, that was fun to read aloud! But no, 'cuz I'm in a manic mood today, I'm calling myself a gorgeous goddess, I am fabulous, sexy, sophisticated, intelligent (Who else could write lie this? You, moron? No. Me, only me), I can do whatever I want, I don't care about you and your opinion of me. keep it to yourself 'cuz I don't give a damn about it. I am great and forever will be. You will look up at me 'cuz I know I'm tall and my stance's so cool. Can you argue more?

Okay, I am in my depressed episode. I hurt myself, mutilate myself, bang my head on the wall, slap myself so hard in front of the mirror until my cheek turns scarlet, and laugh at myself while crying. I would put on outrageous make up and talk to myself in different voices and expressions in the mirror and tell myself how fucked up my life is, and how messed up I will be forever. I would advise myself to stay calm and strong, or the other would advise me to cut (again) my wrist, hit myself again and commit suicide. Oh, this isn't bipolar anymore...I think I'm now talking about my multiple personality. Anyway, they may be related to one another. What, am I bipolar with multiple personality? Great! I'll talk about that issue in another post.

This is the reason people would describe me "Funny, hyper, UNIQUE, moody, different, and the list goes on...." They tell me I'm different, weird, impulsive and unpredictable. Of course, even I couldn't predict when my cycle changes. I haven;'t really opened this up to many,. and to those whom I've shared this issue with, they brush it off telling me, you're normal..just different. It's not serious. Well, I say it is. If attempting suicide a serious problem for them, why not mine? It's much more than desiring to kill myself.

Until now, i still don't have any idea how i became this. What's the cause and what triggers my episodes. it just happen on its own, without warning. I just feel it one day, and woke up feeling the other the next day.

So that's about me. i have lots of experiences that would consider me crazy. But I'm not. I'm just Bipolar with multiple personalities. This is a serious disease they say, but while i'm in my Manic episode, it doesn't bother me. When i'm depressed, it does bother me a lot. The hell, it's ruining my life and relationships! Si today, I'm happy! I hope tomorrow will stay the same. No more cycles, please? It's difficult, I might be dead the morning after. So please have mercy on me sexy cupid!

I'm going gaga over this. :)




Yours truly,

Mistress Gaga


Monday, December 21, 2009

In Other Words

Wahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Akala niyo kayo lang ang me bagong post ha?? Wahahahaha! Ako din! Eto o.....




"Fools live to regret their words, wise men to regret their silence."
-William Henry

To begin with, allow me to introduce myself. I am D3*67 Mistress Gaga, from the Poka race in the farthest region of the planet Badmouth, located in the Andromeda galaxy. It is a great opportunity for me to able to meet the Human race of the planet Earth, to mingle with these kind and beautiful people.

They have befriended me, welcomed me warmly to their place. And I, with all my heart accepted their invitation. However differences will always be differences.

It is really difficult to cope up with the changing and strange happenings I've experienced here on Earth. Despite the happy memories I had with Humanity, there was a backlash to my being an alien. My culture is far way different than them. My personality which was richly nurtured from my own people, the Pokans, became disastrous when I decided to cohabit with the Humans for a little longer.

Back home, my race was blessed with the gift of the gab, we were extraordinarily best in our facility of language. Communication was never a problem for us. It was always our tradition to use our voices, the greatest gifts from the Most Intelligent Being. It is considered a taboo to refrain from talking, however for morality's sake, none was allowed to speak lies, but only the truth. We were always honest and frank of our doings and feelings, making it a lot more easier to converse, heal, learn, and be informed.

The word speechless is never found in our dictionary, so when I get to study a language subject on Earth, I was flabbergasted when a classmate replied, "I'm speechless" when the teacher threw a question. Another phrase I would never forget from hearing my Human friends talk is, "No comment!" The Pokans would either kick me in the shin or slap me thrice if I won't say anything when I am asked, though it had never happened and it never will.

Words can either hurt or heal. It's true, but at the endpoint of every thing that has been said, words are still the best healer. When we're hurt just a comfort of a friend's little words lightens, when we need assurance, a simple OK suffices. So being hurt is just a part of the process of healing. Let me remind you that hurt is temporary, if you've been hurt by barbed words, take it easy, it's not intended to kill you in an instant. Like barbed wires, barbed words are meant to warn you. It means caution.

Speaking the truth is just as important as breathing fresh air. It was a culture I've acquired from my people to never take back what you've said. Your words are the language not just of your mind but of your emotion and your soul. We are not afraid to speak, because we know, we are talking only of the truth, and are concern of only the truth.

It was also odd for Humans to take in deeply the words said, as if each and every letter in their alphabet was toxic that it needs care in handling when spilled. They believe in regret, especially in saying something bad. Human Beings are so inclined into saying good things, whether it's the truth or what they so-call white lie. You had to be careful not to say something bad, for it may hurt the person, even if you think it's the truth. On the other hand, Pokans talk like there's no tomorrow, they talk as if every second is precious. So whatever comes out from their mouths are really what they think, feel and believe...in that moment.

I told a story yesterday, and I surprised you today with a contradicting story, so don't be shocked to hear me talk another different story tomorrow...that's how we are. That's how Mistress Gaga is.

However I talk, I only speak the truth, of what I see or hear is true, of what I believe and prove to be true. Opportunities, words, and time are three things you can never take back. I take responsibility of the consequences of spending each one, in any way, and I have no regrets.


Love me or hate me...

Yours truly,

..........Mistress Gaga




Wahahahahaha...may new post na ako! Wahahahaha!


I am different from you..I am who i am..I am the person you do not know and will never know...For I am someone without identity..I show my reaL seLf to the worLd..Yet the reaLity which is hidden from everyone who stares at me..They see the different...They see the unreaL...They see not me but the one they expect to be me..I taLk a Lot..But i speak onLy one thing..Yet peopLe hear different meanings..But i dont know if there's anyone who Listens carefuLLy..I move careLessLy and with no direction...and no one should care..I am free and happy...Though my Life can't bear...Is what you see in me reaL or fake??Am i HAppy or is it my facade?Think whatever..No one is perfect..Don't brand me somebody...Nor expect anything from me...

..I am the CHANGE that forever will be UNCHANGED..