“I see now that the circumstances of one's birth are irrelevant. It is what you do with the gift of life that determines who you are.”


Takeshi Shudo
Showing posts with label paradise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label paradise. Show all posts

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Pumpkin Dream





To see a pumpkin in your dream implies openness and receptiveness to new ideas and experiences. A pumpkin is also symbolic of the female sexuality. Alternately, it may relate to the popular fairy tale of Cinderella where a carriage turns back into a pumpkin. In this regard, it may represent some situation in which time is running out.

The comfort room was indeed a comfort for my vanity and me. I went in and out of every restroom found in the campus as often as was possible. I looked through each wide mirror and saw myself, my make-up getting smudgy again. For numerous times I couldn’t even count, I retouched. I fixed my coif and outfit; sprayed my perfume excessively that I wrinkled my nose from the strong scent, to make sure it’ll linger in every corridor I walked. Then, I flashed my most alluring smile at the beautiful reflection.

As I walked through the hallway, a meddlesome pack of rowdy boys kept on making noise and hooting like wild monkeys.

“Woah, Nell’s coming!”

“Hurry, here she comes!”

“Sexy chick . . . Whew!”

“Yeah, dude!”

“Man, smells so sweet!”

I strut my walk, swayed my hips, my intoxicating fragrance oozing for them to inhale and bewilder their masculine imaginations. They followed me, intentionally bumping into each other, though pretending otherwise as if our meeting was just mere coincidence. However, my vanity and I knows better. I flirted like a butterfly finding its mate. Instinctively, my Pheromones were enough to entice these sexual swarms into the cavities of my hive, or were I the one victimized by circumstances?

After school hours, I waited for Uncle Ton to fetch me. On his motor scooter, we rode the streets, and again, by some unfortunate turn of events, I encountered the jeering rascals I have mentioned before.

“Nell!”

It was my cousin Claire, who called. She was with those raucous men. I didn’t know she’s acquainted with the monkeys. It’s kinda weird, but from this distance, I think I heard someone from the group asked her, “Is she already married? That her husband?”

Pish. Do I look like a jade to them already? They’re unbelievable—considering how pretty I look! Of course, I’m not ashamed to say that in the least. It is a fact.

“No! That’s not her husband, it’s our Uncle.”

Uncle Ton dropped me then and there. Claire approached me, and following her was a man I fairly recognized.

“Nell, this is Klein. “

“Oh, hi!” I remember him way back in college. He was Claire’s classmate and was 3 years my senior.

“He wants to talk with you. Something he needs to tell you.”

By that, Klein shyly smiled, but still managed to look at me straight in the eyes with rather sincere intentions. We led ourselves into an amusement park. By the entrance was my mother. She was smiling as if knowing who Klein was and his purpose with me, though they haven’t even met yet. Throughout the time we were with Claire, she nagged Klein nonstop to tell me whatever it was he needed to tell me.

“Not now, we’ll save it later.”

Ah! He wanted to speak with me in private, which I found very flattering—a man saving his words just for me—and only for me!

“Woah! Pumpkin trees?!” I was totally amazed when we passed by a row of Pumpkin trees.

“Looks like it, and real Pumpkin trees, I guess,” he was amazed just the same.

“Oh My! Klein, the pumpkins have faces!” I pointed at the huge trees with large orange gourds hanging on each bough.

“Hah! Like Jack-O-Lanterns . . . Aww! What the—”

Before I could turn to him, a hard thing hit me, “Ouch!” To my astonishment, the Pumpkins were hurling themselves at Klein and me.

“Ow! Don’t worry, Nell! I can handle these feisty Jack-O-Lanterns! Hehe,” he smiled at the possible heroic deed. Whilst Klein was trying to protect me by willingly catching every Pumpkin that fell, I did my best to avoid them. I didn’t need to bother myself of catching those crazy bigger-than-my-head Jack-O-Lanterns. As the hurling Pumpkins took pleasure in exhausting our energies, both of us enjoyed the magical weirdness of that afternoon.

A certain game at the amusement park caught my cousin’s attention. She busied herself together with the gamekeeper, and whatever the game was, I had no idea.

Klein grinned. We felt a surge of hope and excitement. We couldn’t wait to flee from my cousin’s company and finally have our lone time together.

“Claire, Nell and I’ll be strolling around. Are you coming with us?”

“I’m okay here . . . I’ll see you two later.”

“So, shall we go?”

I nodded in accord. We were in a merry mood, everything felt warm, light and carefree. Neither of us was too frugal of smiles and laughs—a cheerful pair of youth. Later, we stopped by an area for restaurants, UK’s, cafes, souvenir shops, and other business stalls. We found a nice cafĂ© to have some snack, and on a small roundtable for two, we sat facing each other.

“You’re really funny, Nell. You never change.”

“Funny or crazy?”

“A doze of both, maybe.”

I laughed, “Or too much of the latter?” I puckered and puffed my cheeks like a fish.

“That’s cute, Nelly.”

“Ooh, you find being crazy cute, eh? That’s dangerous. Tsk tsk!”

“Why’s that?”

“You’re risking yourself to the hazard of a potential contagion.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“You might get it, too, you know.”

Klein laughed at my childlike logic. “I trained once in a psychiatric ward, Nell. Obviously, I’m still sane, am I not?”

“I’m not your typical psycho patient, sir.”

“Of course, you’re not. Actually, you’re—should I say worse? Or better?”

I frowned.

“You’re waaaay better. They’re not as pretty, as smart and as funny as you.”

I beamed. He winked at the reaction.

“But . . .”

Now, I glowered, “Yes?”

“But . . . you’re worse in a special way.”

I tossed my head on the side.

“Your craziness gets me hooked, and I feel like I would want to bear with you for the rest of the day.”

“Oh, talks,” I beamed again.

“I’m being honest here, I’m not just flattering you.”

“Ha-ha! I appreciate the compliment, sir . . . So, how’s life by the way?”

“I’m working in a hospital in the city. A little busy, and I’m doing night shift lately. I’m fine with my current job, but not as fun as being in school.”

“That’s also why I’m still stuck with our dear Alma Mater . . . can’t get enough of Mr. President, FMS, you see.”

He chuckled, “Mr. President, FMS, huh? Have you been rummaging his office lately?”

“Oh. No! I wouldn’t ever dare do that! I’m only a Hallway Celebrity!” I posed for an imaginary photo shoot.

“Ha-ha! I can still remember you were that bubbly, charming young woman at school, either always deep in lively conversations with people, or running through the hallways greeting and waving at familiar faces—or whomever you encounter.”

“Weh? That’s a lie! Was I that disruptive to classes?”

He chuckled, “You were quite amusing.”

“What can I do, maybe I’ll always be a child.”

“A child at heart, huh? Very adorable.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Aye, Nell . . . and that’s why I like you.”

I went speechless. Stunned, I stared at him in disbelief.

“I have always liked you, Nell.”

A little smile curved my lips. “Klein!” in vain, I tried to deny what I’ve just heard.

“I find you pretty and very interesting.”

“You do?” I asked half-pleased, half-mockingly.

He nodded, “I do. Nell, and I want to know you better.”

To know me better. What good is there to know about me? He is sincerely asking for it. I now he sees something in me I never saw myself, and of which I always feared to discover.

“. . . and how it is to be with your company.”

I could only smile.


“People say that love is in the air. Until now, I’m still breathing. Yet I’m still single.” Sighs.

The beautiful face in the mirror looked weary. Her eyes may be in colorful shades, her full red lips parted, her cheeks rouged to blush like a shy little girl of seven, but the hollows of her eyes defied the theatrical appearance she tried to portray.

“Maybe they’ll look good in violet contacts. I should get a pair one day.”

Vanity and I left our “comfort” room and made our way to the busy hallway, my Halliwood Walk of Fame, as what I personally call it.

“Nell Honey!”

“Honey Bee! I missed you so much!” we kissed each other’s cheeks. Her name’s Beryl, my beautiful and ever loyal bff. Our friendship started during our first year in college, we were classmates and we never expected we’d be this close after just a year. I was the playful youth, and she was the mother-like nymph. If I was Vanity, she was Lust. If I was Avarice, she was Gluttony. The two of us, I would call “The Sin Sisters”. We shared the same values in life: to be beautiful, to be desired, to own, to indulge. But Honey Bee was better a sinner than me, I the worst. In reality, she is always better, and I accept it though bitterly because I know a credible and honest witness to our comparison. The Great Mirror who, like the witch in Snow White, shows to me who truly the fairest is.

I loved Beryl, too much than to stain our friendship with my vulnerability. She understands me when I couldn’t understand myself, and she accepted me despite and in spite of my demented mental state.

“The other girls are in the garden, they miss you!” she held my hands and led me to where our friends are. As was usual, we had our bonding session in the garden; sharing about the latest news on our daily romances, family issues, beauty secrets, and all those juicy gossips about other people.

“He asked me out! How about you, Nell?’

“Huh, me? Duh, I’d rather be with you guys, than be with them guys!”

“That’s sweet Nelly Honey!”

“Of course Honey Bee. My friends always come first.”

In my head, I recited my favorite friendship lyric:

My Friends comes first. yes, they could still be life's worst.

We would laugh, play silly stuff

But, when my girlfriends get played, I'm gonna slit the player's throat.

When my boyfriends get dumped, I'm gonna run trim out her lashes.

Men won't have me better than my friends,

they are no good, compared to my bestfriends.

Boy, you may have me, but, when worse comes to worst,

My friends comes first!!!

“When was the last time you had a boyfriend?”

“Three years ago? Uh—no, I never had one. I never considered those past fling partners to be my boyfriends.”

“But you called them boyfriends, anyway?”

“Fling partners they better be called.”

“You don’t have any plans of looking for a new one soon?”

Darn. I always have. What a stupid question.

“You see, Nell prefers one-night stands and multiple partners.”

“Ha-ha. You got me there, Joan.”

“Better be careful, Nell Honey.”

“Oh, yeah, I never forgot. Don’t worry Beryl. Ha-ha!”

“Why what’s that?”

“For everybody’s knowledge, Nell has a Pledge of Purity. Right, Nell Honey?”

I grinned.

“Wow, we didn’t know staying virgin’s still in. ‘till when d’you intend to keep it, then?”

”Until her 20th birthday.”

They all guffawed at the idea. How can I blame them? They’re all too stupid not to understand the importance of the pledge. Pitiful, they’re already too stained that what they can only do is to mock my difference from them. Except Honey Bee. Though Beryl was one of those “experienced” young women, I never felt any disgust for her. Maybe because we’ve been friends for years now, or because of the fact that she only gives herself to a man she loves, no matter how many they had been. Thus, she earned my respect. Unlike me, I engaged myself to making out with strangers, shamelessly flirting with men and leaving them all hanging in the air at the end. And I thought I was acting the right way all along. I was wrong. I saw myself as something to be desired, to be used, to be eaten away by lust, like a host so to purge out love and affection from her parasites. Like the bloodsucking mosquitoes, who loved to feast on me—literally. Scientifically speaking, my delicious Pheromones and high level of estrogen were actually the culprits as to why the male species or the mosquitoes chose to devour me. Love. Lust. They go hand in hand don’t they? But, whichever, I want them both—fiercely.

“Gawd, you’re near!”

“Yeah, and I couldn’t wait!”

“Say that again, Nell! You think it’s that simple?”

“Hush, Beryl, I’m joking.”

“I thought you’re going to do it with a total stranger?” Joan was the one to ask.

“Yup, either that or—“

“She’ll do it with the man who loves her.” Beryl finished for me.

“But you don’t have a boyfriend.”

Ouch. You need not to say that.

“Don’t worry Nelly Honey. The right guy will come, maybe sooner than you expected.”

“I know Honey Bee. Anyway, I’m not the only one feeling bad of not finding my man yet. I’m sure he’s feeling just as bad as I am of not finding me soon either.”

“He absolutely is!”

I wonder if he really is getting impatient of not meeting me yet. Then, I also wonder if “he” really does exist for me.

“Excuse me.” I headed for the comfort room for another vanity check. I looked through each wide mirror and saw myself, my make-up getting smudgy again. For numerous times I couldn’t even count, I retouched. I fixed my coif and outfit; sprayed my perfume excessively that I wrinkled my nose from the strong scent, so to let it linger in the air as I pass by. Then, I flashed my most alluring smile at the beautiful reflection.

“People say that love is in the air. No wonder I’m suffocating, like inhaling carbon dioxide instead of oxygen. Maybe that’s why I’m still single, I have to experience love the other way around.”


Cinderella, Cinderella. Lucky you, you rode a beautiful carriage made of pumpkin, and still found your prince charming. Nelly, Nelly. Pumpkins are already hurling themselves at you, isn’t that demanding? Good thing he's there to catch those crazy Jack-O-Lanterns for you.

Bah! Fairy tale talks. I am already a woman in physique, yet a child still at heart...

And that’s why I like you, Nell.

I could only smile.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Travelogue: Tara! Go na! Part I

I finally bid my farewell to the second semester of school year 2008-2009! How devastated I was! The farewell reminded me that I'll now be spending my last year in college, not just goodbye to my dear alma mater despite my frequent complaints about tuition fee increases, terror teachers, and loads of requirements only to be passed on the same deadlines (But we always pass them an hour or several or a day or a week after the said deadline...hehehe), I'll also be kissing my dearest friends adieu later on!

Now here comes the Holy Week! Me and the people at home always anticipate this date! hahah! Not because of it's religious history, but because we see this a good chance to bond and welcome with enjoyment the incoming summer. For some consecutive summers already, we've been having a trip to places, like the beaches and resorts, parks, restaurants, farms and other amazing places.

Our destination this Summer of 2009 is Tarragona, Davao Oriental! It's actually a small town by the coast in the south-east part of mindanao (Philippines). Together with my kuya Toto, his wife ate Isay, their three kids Issa, Dani, and Gian, my nephews ate Kat, Aron, Joshua, my another sis-in-law ate Mylene and her kids JV, Levy, Yat-yat, and Lenard we travelled from my beloved hometown Tupi, South Cotabato to Davao City. We left just after the sunrise and took us four hous before reaching Davao City; we stayed for lunch at Mapayo's residence, ate Isay's home sweet home. We reached Tarragona in about four hours from Davao City proper. We were welcomed by delicious and excellent foods prepared by ate Isay's Tiya, where we will stay until easter sunday.

So here I am! The beach was actually privately owned by some of ate Isay's close relatives so we're free to bathe there anytime! hehehehe...And the beach was pretty cool and exciting! some kilometers away from the main house was a rocky beach with huge corals that looked like outgrown rocks creating tiny and larger pools within the ocean. The sea don't even smell of brine! I really loved the view, the sound of the waves, and the fresh wind blowing from the open pacific.

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Lost, staring at the horizon, I shall return! And a drawing of my mama on the sand...wahahahaha!

The kids really enjoyed the Holy Week at Tarragona. None of them really showed hesitance in bathing in the wild beach, even if the waves were a feet or more bigger than them!

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Kiddies up-close, Lenard and Jat-jat, eyes red and bulged because of the salty sea...


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Ate Mylene attacked by the waves! Cover with coconut leaves!

We also had nightlife though we're in some kind of a remote area in the peaceful community of Davao Oriental. See below, we also made bonfires for two nights and had fun by the seashore. there was even a time when we decided to walk miles along the shore under a dark starless night sky! We passed by a nearby public cemetery which gave us goosebumps, wrapping us in icy cold fear and shivers. After reaching the other side of the island, we went back still intact and hurried when raindrops started to fall from the sable sky. Each one ran, leaving deep footprints before me. I didn't bother to hurry since I have with me a towel to cover my head. It was an unforgettable experience, walking alone under the night sky along the seashore. Waves crashing loud and roaring, the rain pouring heavy and the wind so strong pushing me against the way. For a moment, it felt dark and scary, I thought maybe it was just because of the heavy rain that blurred my eyesight as tiny figures vanish one by one from my view. Then, I realized I wasn't seeing anything else now but my own feet sinking deeply into the soft black carpet. There was no light in sight, the town had a black out! Creepy things started to appear in my mind, like a ghost or a monster would come dragging me to his lair and rip my skin and crunch my head, devouring my whole body. Or maybe a beautiful and sexy man would abduct me, put me in his bangka and bring me to his nice little hut in another island and he would make love to me throughout the night...nahhh...maybe that would be an alien or a syokoy disguised as a handsome human male specie...hahahaha...

There! I saw something flicker from a distant. The sight of it relieved me, as if hope was then taken from me and now coming back like it heard me calling it's name.thank God we made a bonfire! Finally, it helped me find the correct place, or I may be truly lost in that unfamiliar area, wandering aimlessly in the darkness! Whew..so I'm finally back home...that simple experience strengthen my hope to survive and believe in life. Just continue walking, even in darkness, just believe and don't lose your trust.

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Bonfire at night by the beach. From left to right: Aaron Byrne, Maria Isabella, Kinjie, and Ate Mylene.


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Me and ate Kat...


I'll be posting for the Part 2 of this travelogue "Tara! Go na!" soon...hehehe..

Ciao for now!..........

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Semptember 19, 2005

I'm really tired, I want to do something, I'm bored today. Date is 081905, this sucks...How damning it is to feel my world falling apart. I hate this stupid life of mine.
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i'm going to a place where my dreams will truly come true. Somewhere where my soul is free to feel joy and blis. Away from this pain. Where is it? I just can't wait to be there. I'm excited! Wanna go with me? Why don't you? It's all fun in there...Want to go with me? You'll be happy like we always wanted to be! Come with me, I'll show you everything we dreamed of seeing...It'll be wonderful! No wonder here, in this Goddamned land, we suffered, endured, waited for the time to come that we will be able to love ourselves. You wanted it too, didn't you? A life where we will be lie birds soaring above this brown land, looking down at every in of life. Let's leave this world, to somewhere, in paradise. We have waited so long to reach what we've always wanted to reach. How great, wonderful it would be to be standing at the edge of a cliff facing the lonely sun setting at the horizon, with the ocean so blue turning orange. The only proof to our existence...Let's go, shall we? Right now...Come...

Sunday, December 28, 2008

...ESCAPE tO PARADISE...

I believe that this is the moment of my escape. After years of searching for the right path, for my destination, I finally realized all the signs on the road, tried to tell me. During those uncertain times, I thought I could never get sight of the right trail. I deemed it impossible for someone like myself - coward and weak - to dare get a grasp of peace and happiness, even lightly. But I stood, held my head upright, blinked my eyes a moment, but never regarded myself a bit of strength and will. The cowardice and weakness which molded my character, contoured my actions were the ones that unexpectedly nurtured an iota of strength and will submerged within the pit of my consciousness. Owing to the hurts and resentments I've exposed myself into in the past years of my life, these have hardened me, nullified the piercing pain of unmended wounds. Later, I was in apathy however, realizing such coldness in me, whereupon I entered a new place on earth filled with frivolity yet saturated with fervent love for life. My cynical view changed, my somber regard to living was soon tinted with frolic naivety. I then saw the light emanating from a direction I once forbore to look upon, yet I now firmly laid my eyes on. My escape to paradise will not remain in perpetuity, i reminded my self. But, I still believe in paradise. I know it's not some place you can look for. It's how you feel for a moment in your life. It is this moment. Not yesterday nor tomorrow, but at this very moment.